A Sad Late Addition
After writing what is now called Part One of this article, something much more current popped into my mind (and heart). Reading again that little adage regarding acting yourself into a better way of thinking rather than vice versa jogged my memory and took me back to an experience of just over a year ago. Our church group had started a series that strongly recommended getting away by yourself for a couple of days to do some guided spiritual contemplation. Although I have gone on numerous personal spiritual retreats through the years, I wasn’t as excited about this one as I wish I had been, but I followed the directions. Thankfully, I rented a hotel room in an area that was very near a sports stadium and right behind the hotel was a huge empty parking lot, which became my prayer walk hangout. I love taking prayer walks in solitary places, so this part of the retreat was a very welcome one.
As I recall, we had a little booklet to guide us through some spiritual exercises, and one of those exercises had us reading a Bible passage and selecting a key word or key words to focus on which needed to find a deeper lodging place in our minds and hearts. I don’t recall the passage, but I chose the word “joy” on which to focus. Being joyful (joy-filled) is not easy for me. I tend to let circumstances rather than spiritual realities affect my emotions too much. As I thought about joy, I realized that I often act more joyful around others than I actually feel inside. I don’t believe that this necessarily represents hypocrisy, as I implied in Part One, but is a matter of obedience to God. We can hardly encourage others as they need to be encouraged if we are down in the dumps.
This line of thinking led me to remember that little adage, a true and practical one. “It is easier to act yourself into a better way of feeling than to feel yourself into a better way of acting.” Since I’ve already addressed this, I will proceed with the rest of the story. After our personal retreats, we were encouraged to take some memento from our retreat setting or later make one to remind us of what we had learned and committed ourselves to put into action. I came home and designed a page to be printed and hung on my office wall. Since my word of meditation was “joy,” I wrote myself a reminder at the top of the page, followed by the little adage about how actions should guide feelings and not the reverse.
In other words, I was reminding myself to demonstrate joy outwardly around others. I actually think I do this reasonably well in any public setting or when around others, with one exception. When I am alone with my wife, I often let down my guard and allow my negative feelings to come out through the pores of my skin if not actually shown on my face, and sometimes they do show in my actions. As I mentioned earlier also, I am an emotionally based person who tends to have depressive feelings. I can wake up on a given morning in a down mood and have no idea why. My prayer times usually help it to dissipate, thankfully, although sometimes that doesn’t occur. My best option in that case is to either talk to Theresa or call someone else or to just go somewhere and engage in conversation with anyone, even strangers. These approaches help me get “out of myself,” which is a good thing.
The thought that hit me a day or two after writing what is now Part One of the article is that I allow myself to “let down” around my wife although I don’t when around others, even strangers. I suspect most of us do something similar. In our homes, our real selves come out. We sometimes justify that reality in positive ways. Maybe we say, “It’s good to be home where I can just be myself.” Well, for the follower of Jesus, that all depends on what being yourself means – how it manifests itself. The question to ask yourself is whether you are more in a giving mode to others than to those whom you love the most? If we put on our “happy face” in public, but put on a different face at home, have we thought about the implications of that?
It would mean that we limit our Christian spirit, our spirituality, to some locations and some times, but not display it all of the time. Is that what you think Jesus did – turned his spirituality on and off? Worse, it would mean that we were more loving and giving to others than to the one we say we love the most, our spouse (and perhaps our children also if they live with us). That thought pierced my heart quite directly.
Most of the time when I am in a down mood, I try hard to not show that to Theresa. But I am mostly shielding her from my negative feelings by acting relatively nice, yet not showing her true Christian joy. Before you start coming up with justification for just being “yourself” behind closed doors, take a look at these passages.
Romans 14:17 – For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit,
Romans 15:13 – May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Galatians 5:22 – But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
James 1:2 – Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
Philippians 4:4 – Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 – Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
The first two decisions described in the first part of this article were radical to the Nth degree at the time I made them over half a century ago. They changed the course of my life and the course of my eternity. This third decision is one I made very recently – a decision to not just be joyful in all circumstances as the Bible directs, but to give my wife my best every day in every way I can. No excuses, no justification, just obedience to God out of love for him and love for my wife. We just celebrated 60 years of marriage on January 30, 2025. It has been a wonderful marriage, one which prompted me to write a book about it a few years ago entitled, “Fairy Tales Do Come True.” That said, (and said thankfully), my wife has contributed more to it than I have, which brings tears to my eyes as I write this. But it is not too late to repent and obey what is printed and hanging in a picture frame just above my head in my office right now. JOY: remember and respond – show it! My dearest Theresa, a better husband is coming your way. NOW!
