(The primary material in this article was taken from my book, Dynamic Leadership, Appendix 7, and later expanded.)
We Live in a Negative World!
The subject of negativity is a broad one, and although we are going to focus on a certain highly dangerous type of negativity, some general observations will prove helpful. In case you haven’t recognized it, we live in a negative world. Bad news sells and good news doesn’t. At least that seems to be the message of our modern media organizations. Further, many of us grew up in negative families. I know I did. My parents would not have been characterized as positive thinkers and talkers by any stretch of the imagination.
Then, besides the effects the environment has on our perspectives and subsequent conversation directions, we have our own inner struggles with which to deal. We all develop some forms of insecurities as we grow up, and a common way to compensate for our bruised egos and warped self-images is to tear others down in an attempt to feel less inadequate about ourselves. This brand of negative speaking about others is far more common than the so-called “common cold” (and it makes us a lot sicker!). Those who are consistently critical of others are first of all critical of themselves. They may act otherwise, but rest assured that it is only an “act.”
When I was in high school eons ago, we spoke of certain classmates having a “superiority complex.” There is no such thing. That prideful and smug presentation of oneself was a charade, a cloak used to cover what we called an “inferiority complex.” That last term is relatively accurate, although outmoded in this era. Now we just say that a person who feels badly about themselves is insecure or has a poor self-image. If we are familiar with Schema Therapy, we would perhaps say that they have a defective schema. In other words, they feel defective as persons.
Get Your “Buts” in the Right Place!
Anyone not really comfortable in their own skin has the problem thus described, and one dead giveaway is that they are defensive and handle almost any form of correction (however well-intentioned and well presented) poorly. They already feel badly about themselves, and don’t seem to realize that input from others can help them change – which would result in them feeling better about themselves. Another evidence of this malady is seen in how they view and talk about others. They do tear others down in order to feel better about themselves, but it never works. Sin cannot make you feel better inside your heart of hearts.
Those in the church who have not yet conquered this problem have certain patterns to their negative speech. One pattern is just to talk negatively about others behind their backs, thus committing what the Bible defines as gossip and slander. Another pattern is saying both good and bad things about others, but doing it in a certain order, thus creating a certain emphasis. Compare these two sentences in how they affect your feelings about someone we will call “Betty” for purposes of illustration:
“Betty is a great wife and mother, but she doesn’t seem to get very involved in serving others.”
“I don’t always know what Betty may be doing to serve people generally, but I do know that she is absolutely a great wife and mother.”
The point of the illustration is to show that whatever is said after the little conjunction “but” is what we go away with – it is what we tend to remember. In the first example, we are left with the thought that Betty doesn’t serve those who aren’t in her family very well and in the second example we are left with the warm feeling that this woman really loves her husband and children, and shows it by her actions. Note a couple of things in the first example. The speaker is making an assumption (shown by the word seems) and leaves us with what appears to be a conclusion. If you want to have troubled relationships on all levels, assume what you don’t really know to be factual and state it as a conclusion!
Don’t Be Fooled by One of Satan’s Favorite Tools!
Both of these speech patterns described are negative and hurtful to relationships, but they are not nearly as dangerous as the one about which this article is mainly addressing—objective negativity. The most dangerous form I have ever found of unhealthy talk is also understandably the most subtle. This form is one of Satan’s favorite tools for destroying relationships on both an individual and group basis. I have seen several of his human agents use this tool in an almost unbelievably effective way (in being destructive). But rather than simply describing how they used it, we have the perfect biblical example in the child of a king (and a very good king at that). Turn to 2 Samuel 15:1-6 as we read about Absalom.
“In the course of time, Absalom provided himself with a chariot and horses and with fifty men to run ahead of him. He would get up early and stand by the side of the road leading to the city gate. Whenever anyone came with a complaint to be placed before the king for a decision, Absalom would call out to him, ‘What town are you from?” He would answer, “Your servant is from one of the tribes of Israel.’ Then Absalom would say to him, ‘Look, your claims are valid and proper, but there is no representative of the king to hear you.’ And Absalom would add, ‘If only I were appointed judge in the land! Then everyone who has a complaint or case could come to me and I would see that he gets justice.’
Also, whenever anyone approached him to bow down before him, Absalom would reach out his hand, take hold of him and kiss him. Absalom behaved in this way toward all the Israelites who came to the king asking for justice, and so he stole the hearts of the men of Israel.”
Absalom’s work described here very nearly led to the killing of his father and to his usurping of David’s throne. He stole the hearts of the men of Israel, Scripture says. He didn’t merely win their hearts by serving them; he stole their hearts by tainting their thinking toward the king whom they had loved and followed for years. How sad! How powerful is Satan’s tool of objective negativity! Negativity we understand to some degree, but how does the term objective fit in to its use? Now that is a hugely important question, make no mistake about it.
We have all come away from certain conversations saying something to this effect: “Wow, that guy is really something; he’s about the most negative person I have ever heard in my life!” Someone skilled in the use of objective negativity never evokes that reaction, but what they do to a person’s heart is something akin to what a hidden cancer does to a person’s body. It is an undetected destroyer, doing its deadly work mostly in secret until drastic results emerge. The presentation of such soul-damaging information is cloaked by the sense of objectivity created, and the more spiritual it sounds, the better the cloak. With that in mind, we shouldn’t be surprised that those looked upon as spiritually mature, or better yet, as spiritual leaders, are the most effective in using this approach.
In actuality, those skilled in this deceptive work are basically “seed planters.” They plant tiny seeds that grow quietly inside hearts until a plant or a tree is produced. Isn’t that exactly what Absalom did? He kept planting seeds as he validated the concerns of people and showed them affection, and those seeds were aimed at undermining trust in his father and building trust in himself. He was one sharp dude, one smart cookie. He knew exactly what he was doing for the four years he did it. Gossips tend to be impatient and have to say it now; the Absaloms of the world are patient and content just to plant and water, waiting for the tree of doubt, discontent and rebellion to grow.
Absalom Types Are Usually Leaders (Often Former Leaders) Themselves
My intent is not to make anyone mistrust spiritually mature people or spiritual leaders—far from it. I think most would say that I would fall into both of those categories. But like Paul, I want to help you not fall prey to those whose skills are found in this form of negativity that we are discussing. In 2 Corinthians 2:11, Paul said that he didn’t want his readers to be unaware of Satan’s schemes. Thus, his teaching was aimed at exposing Satan’s schemes (and he has many). Paul could not have described a person skilled in the deadly scheme of objective negativity any better than in this passage from the same book. “For such men are false apostles, deceitful workmen, masquerading as apostles of Christ. And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. It is not surprising, then, if his servants masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve (2 Corinthians 11:13-15).”
The claim that most Absalom types are leaders is demonstrated in the earliest stages of the Old Testament. Numbers 16 contains one of the most chilling accounts in the history of Israel, an event that dates back near the origin of the Israelite nation. We are generally familiar with the names of Korah, Dathan and Abiram because God opened the earth to swallow them and their families for their rebellion against Moses and Aaron (verses 25-33). However, this chapter in Numbers opened with the account of these men inciting the rebellion of 250 other well-known leaders within Israel (verses 1-3). They were not content with being counted among the leaders; they wanted to be among the very top leaders, which led to instigating a rebellion against them. God dealt suddenly and decisively with them, just as he had with those who sowed the seeds of their rebellion. Verse 35 says that “Fire came out from the Lord and consumed the 250 men.” Sadly, Absalomic undermining of top leaders by influential people trickles down to infiltrate the average person, sometimes almost imperceptivity. In this case, the whole Israelite community challenged the leadership of Moses and Aaron, resulting in a God-given plague that killed 14,700 of them (verses 41-49). What a sobering and terrifying account of what the work of a few leaders controlled by an Absalomic spirit can cause.
Perhaps you are thinking that all of these examples, including Absalom, come from the Old Testament period. What about the New Testament? Do we find the same phenomenon there? The logical answer is that wherever you find humans, you are going to find this insidious practice. However, as has been noted repeatedly, it is a subtle sin which is not noticed quickly or easily. Read on for the biblical answer to the question.
A Classic “Absalom” in the New Testament
What person in the NT do you think was the classic Absalom type? Pause a minute and think about who you believe it could be (waiting, waiting, waiting…). If you guessed Judas, you made the same choice I did. What do we know for sure about him? One, he was obviously a person of high talent or he wouldn’t have been chosen by Jesus to be an apostle. Two, he was an incredible expert at hiding his true nature from others, for even just prior to his betrayal of Jesus, the other apostles could not guess which of them was going to be the betrayer. Three, and this is the point that directly connects with the concept being developed in this article, he influenced the other apostles in negative directions.
This ability to subtlety lead others into bad paths is perhaps best shown in comparing three Gospel accounts of one event near the end of Jesus’ earthly ministry. It took place at a dinner being held at the home of a man named Simon. Notice the progression and what it reveals about this aspect of Judas’ nature. Let’s begin with the more general account in Mark 14:3-6 (NASB):
While He was in Bethany at the home of Simon the leper, and reclining at the table, there came a woman with an alabaster vial of very costly perfume of pure nard; and she broke the vial and poured it over His head. 4 But some were indignantly remarking to one another, “Why has this perfume been wasted? 5 “For this perfume might have been sold for over three hundred denarii, and the money given to the poor.” And they were scolding her. 6 But Jesus said, “Let her alone; why do you bother her? She has done a good deed to Me.
From this account, you wouldn’t know who was objecting to the woman’s use of her costly perfume. You just know that a group was discussing it among themselves. Matthew’s account gives us more details about the identity of the group:
Now when Jesus was in Bethany, at the home of Simon the leper, 7 a woman came to Him with an alabaster vial of very costly perfume, and she poured it on His head as He reclined at the table. 8 But the disciples were indignant when they saw this, and said, “Why this waste? 9 “For this perfume might have been sold for a high price and the money given to the poor.” 10 But Jesus, aware of this, said to them, “Why do you bother the woman? For she has done a good deed to Me. (Matthew 26:6-10)
Now we know that it was the apostles discussing the issue, and it seems that they are becoming more outspoken as the discussion continued. John’s account in John 12:1-8 fills in some striking details:
Jesus, therefore, six days before the Passover, came to Bethany where Lazarus was, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. 2 So they made Him a supper there, and Martha was serving; but Lazarus was one of those reclining at the table with Him. 3 Mary then took a pound of very costly perfume of pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped His feet with her hair; and the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume. 4 But Judas Iscariot, one of His disciples, who was intending to betray Him, *said, 5 “Why was this perfume not sold for three hundred denarii and given to poor people?” 6 Now he said this, not because he was concerned about the poor, but because he was a thief, and as he had the money box, he used to pilfer what was put into it. 7 Therefore Jesus said, “Let her alone, so that she may keep it for the day of My burial. 8 “For you always have the poor with you, but you do not always have Me.”
What are the additional details John provides us in his account? One, Simon must have had a reasonably close relationship with Lazarus, Mary and Martha, since they were present at the dinner and Martha doing her usual thing of serving. Two, the woman with the perfume was none other than Mary, one of the three siblings. Three, it was Judas who almost certainly initiated the complaint that then spread to the other apostles. That is the point most relevant to our discussion. Closely associated to it is the fact that Judas was a frequent thief and the other apostles never suspected anything. His true nature was not perceived by his closest associates. His complaints about the “waste” of expensive perfume sounded quite objective and reasonable to them – even spiritual (helping the poor).
Hence, they joined into the discussion, prodded into it by his initial comments – which most likely were shared rather privately with them in the earliest stages. Good-hearted people like Peter blurted out what they really thought, not fearing either the vulnerability or the correction that often followed their comments. Individuals like Judas were very careful about what they said and to whom they said it. Knowing human nature makes the assumption likely that this discussion began with Judas planting the negative seeds, which the others picked up on and expressed more openly. Like Absalom in the OT, Judas gives us a perfect example of someone skilled in the use of objective negativity.
What about Judas’ motives? Did he always have evil intent of which he was quite aware? In this case, the answer would be yes, based on the wording of the text. In the case of his betrayal of Jesus, some believe that his intent was to force Jesus to become the kind of Messiah that most Jews were looking for by having to use his power to save his own life. If a true hypothesis, it could explain why he committed suicide rather quickly after that plan didn’t bring the desired result. If this were a reasonably accurate assumption, it would mean that Judas wasn’t always aware of his inmost motivations or of the true impact of what he was doing. It was to him second nature, having become so ingrained in his sinful nature through a long series of deceitful choices.
I am not sure if those most effective in the use of objective negativity are always aware of what they are doing. They certainly know how to cloak their true nature from others, and it may be that they are fooling themselves as well. In my own experience, those who resort to spreading negativity in this manner are perhaps self-deceived as they deceive others, because helping them see themselves and the effects they are having has usually been a fruitless endeavor. I’ve seen temporary change that appeared to reflect repentance, but the fact that it has nearly always been temporary perhaps indicates that they are self-deceived. As with all other sins, the long-range changes are the ones that indicate true repentance. I add this thought to help us not be naïve and overly optimistic when dealing with those who commit such damaging sins. I’m not suggesting that we be cynical or faithless, but I am strongly suggesting that this sin indicates some deeply imbedded heart issues that we must be very careful in dealing with. May God grant us wisdom and discernment as we are trying to protect the flock as a whole while also trying to help those individuals who may be hurting it, intentionally or unintentionally.
What is the Solution – the Antidote?
The solution begins with recognition of the types of speech patterns underlying the Absalomic approach. Well, what do such people sound like in everyday life? Here are some samples from a very long list of possibilities:
“I really love our elders, but some people have shared a few things with me that sometimes make me wonder…” But you do have to appreciate their sacrifice of time and energy.
“I think we have a great staff, but I did hear one or two things in confidence that have made me a little nervous. I guess we will just have to trust the Lord that he will work out whatever needs to be worked out.”
“I appreciate the fact that our leaders are following a carefully planned process of looking for additional staff members, but I really hope that they will keep ____________ in mind and not just make decisions out of personal preferences. I am glad, though, that they seem to be focused on finding someone soon.”
“I am certain that our small group leader has a real heart to serve, but I do wonder if he has the time to be serving in that role right now with all that he has on his plate. But don’t you just love their two little girls—they are the cutest things!”
“The couple we have leading our small group really loves people, and that is such a valuable and appreciated quality. I have heard some disciples question whether they had the gift set to be able to do it. But getting people to lead is no easy matter, so I suppose that we should just appreciate their willingness to serve in this way.”
“Betty is one of my best friends and I feel like I can tell her anything, but I am praying that she can keep a confidence. We all need a safe place to share our struggles.”
“I really love this church, and have a lot invested in it for these nine years that I have been a member. I hope our direction for the future is clearer to others than it is to me. I guess I just need to pray more.”
My examples of actual conversations mention leaders quite a bit, as I’m sure you would expect by the time you have read this far. Satan knows that he can destroy churches if he can erode trust in leaders. But let me make one thing perfectly clear: I’m not defending bad leaders in any way. Wyndham Shaw and I wrote a little book a decade ago entitled Golden Rule Leadership should demonstrate that point clearly. Although what we wrote is now “old hat” and generally accepted in our movement today, it was strongly resisted by a number of leaders in high places when it was first published. My most recent book on leadership, Dynamic Leadership, deals much more directly and strongly with ineffective, unbiblical and sinful leadership. Having said that, Satan has always, and will always, do his best to destroy trust in all leadership—not simply that which you and I might agree is poor leadership. Destroy the mom or dad in any family, and you’ll see the family severely damaged.
Maybe you are thinking that those who practice the fine art of objective negativity sound almost the same as those who have their “buts” in the wrong place. Well, they are similar in some ways, but different in key areas. Both use the word “but” as a key part of their processes. However, the Absalomic approach sounds much more spiritual. It not only begins with positive statements; it also ends with them. The effect is much more subtle. When you hear a person like this, especially if you trust them and or look up to them, you leave the conversation feeling mostly good. You can recount the positive, spiritually sounding things they said. On the other hand, the more spiritually in tune you are, the more you leave feeling unsettled, perhaps ever so slightly. Seeds have been carefully planted, and if you do not come to realize that something is amiss, those seeds may well grow. I have seen people thus influenced who eventually left the church that I never imagined would possibly leave.
The further solution to dealing with this malady is to pay attention to your own heart. If something seems slightly out of kilter after a conversation, tending to pull you in a negative direction, go back to the person with whom you talked and start asking questions.
“When you said that some have questioned the leadership gift of __________, who are those some?”
“You expressed some doubt about your good friend Betty being able to keep a confidence. Have you told her that?”
“That statement you made about the direction of the church—what exactly are you questioning here? I think you and I need to go talk to some of the leaders of the church together, because I want to make sure that your doubts are dealt with and not spread to others—including me.”
Bottom line, we need to be very careful about what we listen to that has a negative bent to it about anyone or any group that is not present for the discussion. The Lord knows that we must learn to talk to others about sensitive issues and concerns—but we need to do it with them, face-to-face and not behind their backs. People sometimes ask me if I am feeling something toward them that isn’t positive, and the answer is pretty simple. “If I am, you will be among the first to know it, because we will be talking in an up-close and personal way.” If someone seems to perhaps have funny feelings toward me, I ask them about it. If they do, I want them to encourage them to come to me, but I am quite willing to go to them as well. Matthew 5 and Matthew 18 say that we should meet each other going and coming if relationships are not in a good place.
Disciples are learners. That’s a basic meaning of the term itself. Let’s learn to recognize sinful speech, whether it is coming out of our own mouth or the mouth of another. And by all means, let’s learn to get beyond our conflict avoidance tendencies and resolve relationships that are strained or we think may be unsettled in some way. If we have good marriages, we have done it hundreds of times because we don’t want to be under the same roof with another person with whom we are not at peace. For the Lord’s sake, let’s refuse to live under his same big sky with our brothers and sisters without cultivating and maintaining that same peace. It is the will of our Father, who loves us all as his dear children. Amen and Amen!
The way you think determines the daily course of your life. More importantly, it determines your course over the long haul. Character is built one day at a time, which means weak character can be strengthened as we make spiritual choices—and strong character can be weakened if we make unspiritual ones. “Little things mean a lot,” said an old song, and certainly this is true when it comes to the effects of our thinking and doing. What seems but a small, momentary decision can lead to consequences far beyond the moment, because each decision becomes a part of shaping our characters. A rifle aimed at a target two hundred yards away may be off the mark by only a very small amount at the ten-foot mark, but when the bullet covers the distance to the target, it may miss the bull’s-eye by a very wide margin. The importance of making righteous decisions consistently, without becoming careless, cannot be overstated. Your life will end up at the target toward which it is aimed now. So, when you get where you’re going, where will it be?
For many years, I have observed the truth of this principle in the lives of older people. Some are like the proverbial grandmother who brings cookies and milk with the sweetest of smiles. They are very warm, light-hearted, a real joy to be around. But honestly, just how many older people do you encounter who are like this? Not many, if your experience is anything like mine. You see, older people have reached the target at which they have been aiming for many years, as far as characters and attitudes go. The thinking that characterized their life has now reached its full bloom, be it kind or bitter. When you get where you’re going, where will you be?
Keeping our minds focused on the positive and spiritual is not easy. But with God’s help, we can learn to do it. Paul provides us with an amazing example of seeing the hand of God in everything, every day. Even while chained to prison guards, he was almost beside himself with joy-filled thinking. A cursory reading of Philippians demonstrates this clearly. One of my favorite passages in this little happy letter is in chapter 4:4ff. “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything…” Here, God tells us to rejoice, which means (1) that the decision is ours, and (2) we can do it. Paul is essentially saying, “Just loosen up, and trust that God is near and in control of life’s circumstances.” Refuse to allow the practical atheism of anxiety to control your thinking. Instead, pour out your hearts in prayer to God, bathing your heart in gratitude. Remember that the key to the future is the past; for if God has protected and provided in the past, surely he will not neglect to do so in the future. As an older man now, I appreciate more than ever the observation of David in Psalm 37:25. “I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.”
Our Philippian passage goes on to promise us that God’s peace becomes better felt than told when we have this trust in our hearts. Just keep your mind engaged with the positives of loving and serving God and others, and imitate those who have learned these lessons. Then the God of peace will be with you in life and death, for time and for eternity, during the moments of mountaintop exhilaration and also during the valley-low moments of heartache.
When you get where you’re going, where will you be? It all depends on the path your thinking is taking you on, day by day, month by month, year by year. Before you know it, we will all be standing before God, giving an account of how we lived our brief lives here on earth. How we feel then will be determined by how we feel now—and all feeling is a result of your thinking and doing, every day in every way.
You and I are aimed at a target right now, and we will all reach it sooner than we imagine. “Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully in the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed” (1 Peter 1:13). The power of spiritual thinking: a life lived for God in time and a soul with its Maker in eternity. Don’t miss it!
Have you ever noticed children who were happily playing until they noticed the one toy that they didn’t have being played with by another child? Suddenly their joy fades, and they become totally focused on the toy that the other kid has. They probably have dozens of better toys, but their selfish natures kick into high gear when their focus is off kilter. Of course, none of us adults would ever be guilty of forgetting dozens of blessings while we rue the lack of one other blessing which is not ours! King Ahab of the Old Testament was a man whose selfish, greedy character will convict of us the sin of ingratitude.
Ahab, a king of Israel during the period of the divided kingdom, was a self-serving man. His selfishness evidenced itself in many ways, including his marriage to Jezebel, the wicked worshiper of foreign gods. No greater example of his self-serving heart can be found than in his encounter with Naboth. “So Ahab went home, sullen and angry because Naboth the Jezreelite had said, ‘I will not give you the inheritance of my fathers.’ He lay on his bed sulking and refused to eat” (1 Kings 21:4). Naboth, although a poor man, owned a little vineyard near the palace of Ahab. In spite of his vast land holdings, Ahab felt that he just had to have this little vineyard, for it would be a convenient place to raise his vegetables. The problem was that Naboth had received the land as an inheritance, and God’s decree was that families retain such inheritances in the families for the use of future generations. For Naboth, it was a matter of divine principle, so he turned down the King’s offer to purchase the land.
Ahab was so filled with anger that he lost his appetite and lay sulking on his bed, acting just like a spoiled kid. His wife came in and found him in this condition and taunted him a bit: “What’s the matter, big boy? Someone steal one of your toys?” He whined out the story about not being able to have what he wanted, and Jezebel hatched up the devilish plot to falsely accuse Naboth and have him executed. Not only did they have him falsely accused and murdered, but they also had his sons killed so they could not inherit the land. No wonder God’s estimation of Ahab was so bleak: “There was never a man like Ahab, who sold himself to do evil in the eyes of the Lord, urged on by Jezebel his wife” (1 Kings 21:25).
The truth is that like Ahab, we all wish we could attain items that we don’t have. We all have things about ourselves and our situations that we wish were different. In fact, we probably would like to have something different about almost everything, for this life is not characterized by perfection. But in the process of focusing on what we wish was different, we lose the joy of all that is good in our lives. When our focus is on “what if…” or “if only I had…” we are not going to be the kind of person who will attract others to Jesus.
Being content is a decision, as is being happy generally. Visiting extremely poor countries and watching the children at play convinces me that life’s circumstances are not the greatest determining factor in happiness; it is our focus. Little children may have only sticks to play with, but they are laughing and having fun. Jesus said that we must become like little children in order to go to heaven (Matthew 18:3), which means that we have to decide that life is good in spite of bad things which are part of it. If Christ indeed is our life (Colossians 3:4), then, “…neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height or depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39). Lift up your eyes to heaven and start seeing God as he is and your life through his perspective. Then, and only then, can you be joyful and thankful in all circumstances of life.
Why do we lose our gratitude so easily? Several reasons come to mind rather quickly. One, we often have a shallow grasp of our own sinfulness. A good study of Romans 1-3 should help us deepen our convictions about the magnitude of our sin. Here, Paul is the Spirit’s tool to convict us of sin. When I teach these three chapters, I entitle them, “the best of us is a mess.” We really are in a mess compared to Jesus. The more we see Jesus as he is and ourselves as we are, the more we are going to be grateful that God has reached down in mercy to each one of us.
Two, we are plagued with abysmally short memories. In 2 Peter 1, the apostle reminds us that a real understanding of God’s grace should move us to be growing continually. Peter views a failure to respond in this way as quite unnatural, no matter how common it may be: “he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins” (2 Peter 1:9). The old adage “familiarity breeds contempt” is often true, even when the familiarity is with our Creator.
Three, ingratitude may simply trace back to a sinful heart that blocks the understanding—and therefore the appreciation—of spiritual realities. I remember times when I dealt with sin in my heart in a radical way. After such times my spiritual heart seems soft and sensitive, and the tears of appreciation flow easily. Thinking back to those moving experiences makes me marvel at how quickly the tenderness of heart can fade.
Four, a self-focused life certainly results in little thankfulness. My childhood years contributed to my self-focus. Although I was raised in a very blue-collar setting, without an abundance of money, we were comfortable, and I was given much of what as I asked for. In less kindly terms, I was spoiled (hopefully not permanently!). As a result, I characteristically respond to events in my life in a selfish way. When things go well for me, I think,“Fine, that’s the way it should be.” When things don’t go well for me, I react internally by thinking, “What is going on here? I am Gordon B. Ferguson, Jr. This shouldn’t be happening to me!” When I allow my sinful nature to lead me in this direction, I respond to blessings without much thankfulness and to challenges without much grace. Prayerfully, I have made lots of progress in changing these tendencies, but I must guard against them to avoid being an ingrate.
Five, a suspect picture of God is one of the more serious, yet subtle, culprits behind ingratitude. We develop our view of God from the most important authority figures in our lives, normally our fathers. If our fathers were beneficent, leaning towards permissiveness with us, we are likely to take God’s goodness for granted. If our fathers were distant or harsh, we are likely to view God the same way. And if we see him as impersonal, uncaring or demanding, we will misinterpret life’s blessing and challenges, remaining unaware of the bounty of grace. The reality of who he is and what he does can be missed almost entirely. If we are like the one-talent man in Matthew 25, we will see him as a “hard” man (verse 24). If we are like the older brother in the Parable of the Lost Son, we will see him as the Father who has done absolutely nothing for us (Luke 15:29). Astounding!
For gratitude to be a principle part of our lives, a continual study of God’s Word is vital, and especially Romans 1-3. Whatever the cause of ingratitude, the cure is in taking the time to figure out life as God designed it to be, rather than life as Satan wants us to see it. Then the message will not be how soon we forget, but how often and deeply we remember the overwhelming goodness and grace of our God. It really is a matter of focus!
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I have a book by Donald Seamands titled Escaping the Performance Trap. The book was originally entitled Healing Grace, later changed to the performance motif. Actually both titles work well, for unless you really understand and appropriate God’s grace, you cannot escape one of the least understood and most damaging tools of Satan.
Our world is steeped in the performance mentality, and probably most of us have been greatly affected by it. At the outset, it is important to note that performing well is not a negative thing. In fact, much about striving for excellence is, well, excellent! Who wants to fail when success can be attained and enjoyed? Who does not want to improve as much as possible at any endeavor undertaken? As the old saying goes, “If its worth doing, it’s worth doing right.” The performance trap we are describing has to do with what might be described as perfectionism. Those with perfectionist tendencies are not often satisfied. As a result, they often feel that they are not measuring up to their self-defined standards. And they normally inflict these anxieties onto others, especially family members.
Associated with the sense of failure is an accompanying sense of guilt. The term “neurotic guilt” is sometimes used in this connection, meaning that the guilt is not from a sin before God, but imagined guilt or self-inflicted guilt. Frankly, it is a malady that plagues a measurable segment of the population—and not a few disciples. In the spiritual realm, we speak of those with “accused consciences,” meaning that they often feel guilty about this failure to live up to their own idealistic standards of what they should have been and done. Religious people often struggle with these feelings, because it is not always easy to balance the Biblical call to do our best with the reality of our human frailty. Sin means literally “to miss the mark,” and who of us does not miss the mark regularly and repeatedly? Surely we must learn to understand God’s grace in order to be healed from our perfectionist tendencies and the ever-present sense of not measuring up. Guilt-ridden people are not joyful people, and frankly, they are poor advertisements for God’s kingdom.
Where does this performance mentality come from? For many, it starts with noble intentions. We want to do our best, and certainly nobody can fault that. But when we begin to mix in pride, the road of life takes a wrong turn. We then enjoy the attention and praise that come from being outstanding, and achievement becomes a way to feel good about ourselves. Parental pride causes us to transfer this tendency to our children, and we want them to be high achievers—both for their sakes and for ours. The rub comes when excellence in doing takes precedence over excellence in being. Building character is far more important than amassing athletic records and topping out SAT scores. The children whose parents set unrealistic standards for them will begin packing and carrying around emotional baggage. If they are made to feel that no matter how well they do, they could have (should have) done even better, they are headed toward emotional damage and danger. The issue is subtle, however, because working hard is a part of building character. The problem is in how important performance becomes to us and the kind of sacrifices we are willing to make for outstanding accomplishments.
Understanding our drive for success is paramount if we are to avoid emotional confusion, frustration and pain. One of the most helpful insights about the performance mode lies in grasping its connection with self-esteem. All of us develop insecurities in our lives—about our looks, our athletic or intellectual abilities, our family backgrounds, or any one of a dozen things. Rejection, or fear of rejection, is at the root of most of our insecurities. The stronger the sense of rejection, the greater the insecurities. And to make matters worse, rejection comes in many forms, some obvious and some quite subtle.
So what do we do with these insecurities? Usually we go in one of two directions: we either pull back and risk little, hoping to avoid further failure with its sense of rejection, or we determine to prove ourselves through performance. Since we do not feel good about ourselves, we try to impress others into thinking well of us, believing that this will help us feel better. It is a vicious cycle in the end, and by midlife, we feel the crisis coming on. I decided years ago that midlife crises occur when we can no longer find the resolve to hold up our performance masks. We let them down and the real us comes out. Truthfully, much of our drive to succeed comes from this source of low self-esteem.
As a teen, some described me as having a superiority complex. The term is a misnomer, for no such complex exists. It is a cover-up for insecurities. It took me years to find the courage to peel away the mask and start being honest with who I was inside and how I felt about myself. In the interim, I looked for endeavors in which I could not only be successful, but be the best. Much of our competitiveness comes from this source. As much as I always loved sports, I was mediocre in them. I moved into the music realm, where I could be really outstanding. Of course, it is not wrong to migrate toward what we do best, but the reason for the migration may well be wrong. In my case it was prideful insecurities and a desire to prove myself. People who only talk about their successes in their lives are on this track, and the extent to which they avoid emotional vulnerability is a good measure of the extent of their insecurities.
The perfection-oriented person tries to conceal insecurities by building a superimage of himself (or herself). He projects his strong points into this image, raised to their highest power, and eliminates his weaker points. He constantly emphasizes the strong points and resists all attempts of others to mention the weak ones. He may or may not seem defensive in dodging critiques, but dodge he will. He clings tenaciously to the projected image in an effort to earn adoration from others and therefore feel good about himself. The fallacy of the whole system is that it is not really respect that we want. What we really want is love and acceptance. But we set ourselves up to block receiving what we need by trying to convince others that we are awesome. Now here is the kicker: Real love by Biblical definition is unconditional. To be loved, our negative points must be graciously accepted by others, not just our positive points. Therefore, unless we are open about our shortcomings, we will never really feel loved! This is an important point, without which we cannot progress as human beings and certainly not as disciples of Jesus. No wonder Paul was so open about his sins and weaknesses.
Paul as a Pharisee was a performer par excellence (Philippians 3:4-6). He was as works oriented as anyone could be. His drive for success made him perhaps the top student of Gamaliel, the most revered rabbi in Israel (Acts 22:3). His standard for life was set very high. He lived up to it in remarkable ways, but he trusted in his performance as a basis for a right standing with God. Such a mentality prompted writings like Romans and Galatians. No excellence of performance is going to earn a relationship with God. He knows all our sins, including the heart sins and the secret sins. God cannot be duped by our super-images, and sooner or later we will be exposed. We can play the ostrich, sticking our heads in the sand and denying the bad stuff in us, but all the while, others are observing everything else sticking out! It is time to get real with ourselves and others. Paul the Christian was not looking for love in all the wrong places (in performance). He opened up his life and heart and invited others in and expected them to do the same (2 Corinthians 6:11-13).
God’s ways are usually about 180 degrees opposite of man’s way. The worldly approach is to tell all the positive things about ourselves and to hide the negative. After we brag on ourselves in this way, we have only a gnawing, hollow feeling left. God says to keep all of the good stuff to ourselves and to confess all of the negative. At the end of this process, we are left with a warm and fuzzy feeling, knowing that God sees the good and will reward us for it, while people will see the bad and extend unconditional love to us. What could be better?
Learning to pull back the curtain on our hearts is an arduous and painful process. Nonethess, the more we are open about our sins and weaknesses, the more people will appreciate and respect us. People realize the difficulty of real transparency, and when we are opening wide our hearts to them, they are drawn to us like a magnet.
I appreciate the encouragement I receive from people regarding my leadership skills, or writing gifts, and I am grateful to God for the opportunities to use them. Recognition and respect are good, as long as we realize that all good things come from God and not from us. But what I appreciate most are simply open and sincere expressions of love, not for what I have done, but for who I want to be for God and others.
I will not say that I have escaped totally from the performance trap, for it has steel jaws at times, but I will say that I understand it intellectually. Further, I will also say that I am happiest when I emotionally grasp the truth of the gospel and relax enough to accept the love from God and others that I so much need. Won’t you join me?
The gospel of Christ is good news! In fact, it is great news! And, of course, good news is always worth sharing. But some may view the good news as bad news, or at least as mediocre news. Then they will not be anxious to share it. Since many who wear the name of Christ do little or no sharing, something simply must be wrong with their view of the good news. Maybe their religion is a burden to them rather than a blessing.
What are the characteristics of one whose religion is a burden? One, he likely has a negative view of obedience. He secretly chafes at the idea of anyone (even God) telling him what to do. We live in a society which is bent on doing its own thing. “If it feels good, do it!” Therefore, words like “commandments” and “must” go against the grain of our spirits. We begin to pick and choose what we want to do, rather than really practicing the concept of “Thy will be done.”
Two, back of this negative view of obedience lies a negative view of God. We think that He is trying to stifle us, to ruin our fun. So we grimly hold on to our sour religion, hoping against hope that maybe heaven will be at least some fun. But the person with this frame of reference usually views heaven as better than hell, but not as good as life on earth. Thus God is seen as robbing us of what we would secretly like to do, if He weren’t watching. Since He is watching, however, we must behave, lest He slap us into hell. The “burdened” Christian sees God as primarily a Judge rather than as his Father. No wonder this sort of person doesn’t share the gospel. He has nothing to share!
What causes someone to develop such a non-biblical, harmful way of thinking? Almost always, the concept can be traced back to the way he first viewed “church.” Many youth are forced to be a part of something they don’t understand. On Sundays, they are roused out of a sound sleep, ordered to eat and get dressed, then it’s off to church we go. The child has not missed the fact that little of a spiritual nature has taken place in the home during the week. He has noticed that the Sunday morning atmosphere in the home is tense and folks are irritable with one another, as if they resented the “duties” of the day. He has heard the negativism about the church leaders and others in the flock. And he surely has noticed that his teaching in things religious has majored in “don’ts” rather than “do’s.”
Of course, not all parents program their children to resent God and church in this manner, but many do. We can force our children for only so long, but if they don’t understand the “why’s” of what we are doing, they will ultimately reject religion altogether, or inherit the negative “fire insurance” religion of their parents. Our children are mighty perceptive about us. They know where our real values are, and they will probably share in them when they are mature. If we love God with all of our hearts, they likely will also, provided the love is obvious in our lives and words. But we must communicate to them what life in Christ is all about, and not simply drag them to church.
Others come into the church from outside Christian families and they may also develop a burdened view of Christianity. Since the “seed re¬produces after its own kind,” they will become like others already in the Body. If they see negative people, they will usually imitate them. If they see excited Christians, they will likely retain their zeal. In any event, our early concepts of what church is all about will normally stay with us for a long time. It takes real effort and determination to change erroneous concepts, because they are implanted more at the emotional level than at the intellectual. We can know right and feel wrong, especially where early concepts are concerned. However, change is possible. Praise God for that! We can learn to enjoy our religion!
Now, what are the characteristics of one whose religion is a blessing? One, he is most often a newer convert from outside a Christian family. Thankfully, some raised in church families have this attitude also, but my experience has convinced me that a minority “raised in the church” feel this way. This is why newer converts are more evangelistic than those from Christian homes. They have experienced the blessings of the good news and are anxious to share it.
Two, the person with a “blessing religion” loves God’s commandments. In our day, the newer convert probably came out of an obviously sinful life-style. He knows that Satan’s enticements destroy rather than bless. He therefore sees grace in perspective. Rather than being resentful deep inside towards God’s commands, he is grateful for the guidance of a loving Father who is trying to steer him away from pain. God has filled the void in his soul, and he is excited enough to want to share the good news with others. Lest this article seem too negative towards us “lifers” (as one brother called those of us raised in the church setting), let me say that there would not be any new converts unless others in the Body taught them.
There are many excited Christians who have been in the Lord for many years. Praise God for you! You have fought Satan’s attacks successfully, becoming stronger as a result. You have refused to lose your first love (Revelation 2:4) and to become lukewarm (Revelation 3:16). When many new converts have started cooling off, you have encouraged them by life and by word. Your religion is a blessing and not a burden.
However, surely no one will argue the fact that far too many Christians do have a negative, burdened view of religion. Being honest about the reality of the problem will allow us to do something to solve it. Playing “ostrich” with our heads in the sand is not God’s way. We must be honest with ourselves and others if change would come.
Several suggestions are in order for helping us overcome a burdened view of religion. First, we must develop a healthy view of God and His grace. He is not waiting for us to mess up; He is waiting for us to start developing a personal love relationship with Him. Listening to taped sermons on grace, mercy, and love will help us a good deal. Reading positive books about Christ are of great benefit. Above all, pray to God by talking aloud with Him as you would talk to any person whom you loved. Be open and honest. Pour out your heart. Don’t say trite religious-sounding memorized phrases. Just talk to God and tell Him how you really feel deep down inside. That’s real prayer. Nothing else will suffice.
Second, begin thinking of the Bible as a Book of Life rather than a Book of Religion. It is practical and helpful in every area of life, from business to sexuality. God made us and speaks to our needs, whether great or small. He is trying to bless us, not stifle us. Learn to hunger and thirst after His words. Read for application to your life, not just for facts. You will begin to find things that are so helpful that you will want to share them with others!
Third, learn to overcome wrong things by doing right things. We cannot survive on a religion of “don’ts.” Overcome evil with good. God shows this approach clearly in Ephesians 4:25-32. Replace falsehood with speaking truth. Replace stealing with working in order to give to others in need. Replace unwholesome words with saying only what will build others up. Replace anger and slander with kindness and forgiveness. Practice a positive religion rather than simply avoiding negatives.
Fourth, learn to verbalize more to your family about God and His positive religion. As Moses said in Deuteronomy 6:5-7, we must first love God with all of our being, do what He says, and then talk about it as a normal part of everyday life. Sharing God with others was never intended to be a fearful burden, but an exciting blessing. Sharing good news is natural, if we really view it as good news.
Satan is pleased if we view our religion as a grim duty. God is pleased if we view it as a blessing. Let’s make Him happy. He deserves it. “We love because He first loved us.” “Rejoice, and again I say, rejoice.”
“But the men who had gone up with him, said, “We can’t attack these people; they are stronger than we are.” And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, “The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.” – Numbers 13:31-33
If there is power in positive thinking (especially spiritual positive thinking!), there is also power in the opposite. Of course, this power is satanic in nature, and using it will accomplish his ends rather than God’s. But without question, we are trained by our families and by our cultures to be negative in our evaluations of ourselves, others and circumstances. The most cursory glance at any newspaper will provide plenty of proof for this. Years ago, I vividly remember hearing a radio report of a study that was conducted to evaluate the results of those who characteristically thought negatively and those who thought positively. The findings of the study indicated that the negative thinkers were much more accurate in their assessments of situations, but the positive thinkers were able to produce positive results in negative situations. Even those without true spiritual perspectives have figured out that negative thinking produces negative results.
One of the most graphic Biblical accounts showing the power of negative thinking is Numbers 13, the record of the twelve spies sent to spy out Canaan. In reading this account, several obvious lessons show us paths to avoid at all costs. One lesson is that the negative often excites stronger emotions than does the positive. In spite of the faith-filled pleas of Joshua and Caleb, the two spies with a good report, the nation was easily and strongly swayed by the negative report. They quickly forgot God’s amazing miracles and victories and were absolutely filled with “grasshopper thinking.”
As humans, we are so prone to assume the worst and believe the worst. We focus on what is wrong or on what we are afraid is wrong. Negative thinking is a pervasive tendency. It must be seen as what it is—an unloving, unfaithful response to God’s promises. In terms of Paul’s definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13, spiritual thinking which is loving means that we do not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth—always protecting, always trusting, always hoping, always persevering (verses 6-7).
A second lesson gleaned from Numbers 13 is that a majority of people inevitably practice negative thinking. In this case, the ratio was ten to two among the spies and presumably a million to one in the multitude. We would much rather curse the darkness than light a candle. Those who do not jump to negative conclusions and think the worst are thought to be strange. No wonder so many people reacted negatively to Jesus. He was completely realistic about man’s sinful condition, but he was full of faith and confident that men could be changed by God’s power. The leaders of his time thought that he was demon-possessed. The narrow road of Matthew 7:13-14 is the path of a small minority. Only eight people in Noah’s day were able to rise above the crowd and trust in the promises of God (1 Peter 3:20). In Elijah’s day, thankfully there were 7,000 who had refused to bow the knee to Baal (1 Kings 19:18), but that was a small minority in Israel. In the aftermath of the crucifixion, how many were confident that resurrection would follow? Next to nil. If we are to follow Jesus, we had better get comfortable with always being in the minority and with being thought of as weird by the majority. I’ve got to love the church—it’s the only place where I am really accepted as somewhat normal.
A third lesson from Numbers 13 is that negativism is deceptive to observers. It seems so, well, normal. Since Satan is the great deceiver, this should not come as any surprise. What does come as a surprise is how completely we can all be deceived by sin at times. We can feel that we are doing right with a perfectly clear conscience, only to discover later that we were clearly wrong in the matter. The problem is that the negative view was quite a lot of reality to commend it, and it’s often mixed with some positives.
For example, in Numbers 13:27-28, we read this report of the spies: “They gave Moses this account: ‘We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey! Here is its fruit. But the people who live there are powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large. We even saw descendants of Anak there’” (Numbers 13:27-28). Although the negative was prefaced with the positive, the negative carried the day. In our conversation, the content following the conjunction “but” shows convincingly whether we are focused on the positives or the negatives. If we end with the negative, it will lodge in our hearts and the hearts of others. Being realistic with the facts is good, but with faith is better—it’s essential. Note the difference in the two reports given to the Israelites: “Then Caleb silenced the people before Moses and said, ‘We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.’ But the men who had gone up with him said, ‘We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are’” (Numbers 13:30-31).
How are you at being focused on the positives about situations and other people? Do you justify negativity by claiming that you must deal honestly with reality? In Romans 4:19, we find that Abraham faced the facts of his situation, but then he “faithed” them. The facts are the facts are the facts, but God is greater than any reality that blocks what he wants done in our lives. It is not, “God is powerful and good, but look at these worrisome facts.” It must rather be, “the worrisome facts are present, but God is bigger and stronger than any combination of them.”
Faith looks beyond humanistic realities to divine possibilities. The physical components and characteristics of water are such that man cannot walk on it, but try convincing Peter of that one! God is God, and we cannot be deceived into allowing our faith to be destroyed in any situation, however challenging it may seem from a human viewpoint!
A fourth lesson from Kadesh Barnea (where the spies were sent out from) should be quite obvious: Leaders have the most responsibility for determining the thinking of the group they lead. However, the followers who are influenced by them are absolutely responsible for their choices. The whole nation was punished for their lack of faith, not just the leaders. What a tragedy! Just think of what might have been. After leaving Egypt, the Israelites could have gone quickly into the Land of Promise. Forty years of attending funerals could have been averted (all of those twenty years old or older would die before the nation could enter Canaan). Negative thinking shows up first in leadership. Only if leaders are positive do you find out who the negative thinkers are back in the pack (and some are always there).
Leaders have the God-given responsibility to lead, but followers have the responsibility to follow. Hebrews 13:17 says: “Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you” (Hebrews 13:17). The Greek term translated “to submit to their authority” means literally to “be persuaded.” True, leaders must be willing to reason and persuade, but the passage is addressed to followers. They must have a mind to be persuaded, to be open to changing their minds.
This event is a chilling reminder of thinking negatively and unfaithfully. We must see the power of negativity and avoid it like the plague it is. When you begin to lack faith about anything, rest assured that Satan is near. True, we need to recognize when something is wrong, but then we must look for godly solutions. Entertaining negative thoughts with no plan to change the situation is dangerous to our spiritual health and to all the things that God wants us to accomplish in his Kingdom.
