“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I have a book by Donald Seamands titled Escaping the Performance Trap. The book was originally entitled Healing Grace, later changed to the performance motif. Actually both titles work well, for unless you really understand and appropriate God’s grace, you cannot escape one of the least understood and most damaging tools of Satan.
Our world is steeped in the performance mentality, and probably most of us have been greatly affected by it. At the outset, it is important to note that performing well is not a negative thing. In fact, much about striving for excellence is, well, excellent! Who wants to fail when success can be attained and enjoyed? Who does not want to improve as much as possible at any endeavor undertaken? As the old saying goes, “If its worth doing, it’s worth doing right.” The performance trap we are describing has to do with what might be described as perfectionism. Those with perfectionist tendencies are not often satisfied. As a result, they often feel that they are not measuring up to their self-defined standards. And they normally inflict these anxieties onto others, especially family members.
Associated with the sense of failure is an accompanying sense of guilt. The term “neurotic guilt” is sometimes used in this connection, meaning that the guilt is not from a sin before God, but imagined guilt or self-inflicted guilt. Frankly, it is a malady that plagues a measurable segment of the population—and not a few disciples. In the spiritual realm, we speak of those with “accused consciences,” meaning that they often feel guilty about this failure to live up to their own idealistic standards of what they should have been and done. Religious people often struggle with these feelings, because it is not always easy to balance the Biblical call to do our best with the reality of our human frailty. Sin means literally “to miss the mark,” and who of us does not miss the mark regularly and repeatedly? Surely we must learn to understand God’s grace in order to be healed from our perfectionist tendencies and the ever-present sense of not measuring up. Guilt-ridden people are not joyful people, and frankly, they are poor advertisements for God’s kingdom.
Where does this performance mentality come from? For many, it starts with noble intentions. We want to do our best, and certainly nobody can fault that. But when we begin to mix in pride, the road of life takes a wrong turn. We then enjoy the attention and praise that come from being outstanding, and achievement becomes a way to feel good about ourselves. Parental pride causes us to transfer this tendency to our children, and we want them to be high achievers—both for their sakes and for ours. The rub comes when excellence in doing takes precedence over excellence in being. Building character is far more important than amassing athletic records and topping out SAT scores. The children whose parents set unrealistic standards for them will begin packing and carrying around emotional baggage. If they are made to feel that no matter how well they do, they could have (should have) done even better, they are headed toward emotional damage and danger. The issue is subtle, however, because working hard is a part of building character. The problem is in how important performance becomes to us and the kind of sacrifices we are willing to make for outstanding accomplishments.
Understanding our drive for success is paramount if we are to avoid emotional confusion, frustration and pain. One of the most helpful insights about the performance mode lies in grasping its connection with self-esteem. All of us develop insecurities in our lives—about our looks, our athletic or intellectual abilities, our family backgrounds, or any one of a dozen things. Rejection, or fear of rejection, is at the root of most of our insecurities. The stronger the sense of rejection, the greater the insecurities. And to make matters worse, rejection comes in many forms, some obvious and some quite subtle.
So what do we do with these insecurities? Usually we go in one of two directions: we either pull back and risk little, hoping to avoid further failure with its sense of rejection, or we determine to prove ourselves through performance. Since we do not feel good about ourselves, we try to impress others into thinking well of us, believing that this will help us feel better. It is a vicious cycle in the end, and by midlife, we feel the crisis coming on. I decided years ago that midlife crises occur when we can no longer find the resolve to hold up our performance masks. We let them down and the real us comes out. Truthfully, much of our drive to succeed comes from this source of low self-esteem.
As a teen, some described me as having a superiority complex. The term is a misnomer, for no such complex exists. It is a cover-up for insecurities. It took me years to find the courage to peel away the mask and start being honest with who I was inside and how I felt about myself. In the interim, I looked for endeavors in which I could not only be successful, but be the best. Much of our competitiveness comes from this source. As much as I always loved sports, I was mediocre in them. I moved into the music realm, where I could be really outstanding. Of course, it is not wrong to migrate toward what we do best, but the reason for the migration may well be wrong. In my case it was prideful insecurities and a desire to prove myself. People who only talk about their successes in their lives are on this track, and the extent to which they avoid emotional vulnerability is a good measure of the extent of their insecurities.
The perfection-oriented person tries to conceal insecurities by building a superimage of himself (or herself). He projects his strong points into this image, raised to their highest power, and eliminates his weaker points. He constantly emphasizes the strong points and resists all attempts of others to mention the weak ones. He may or may not seem defensive in dodging critiques, but dodge he will. He clings tenaciously to the projected image in an effort to earn adoration from others and therefore feel good about himself. The fallacy of the whole system is that it is not really respect that we want. What we really want is love and acceptance. But we set ourselves up to block receiving what we need by trying to convince others that we are awesome. Now here is the kicker: Real love by Biblical definition is unconditional. To be loved, our negative points must be graciously accepted by others, not just our positive points. Therefore, unless we are open about our shortcomings, we will never really feel loved! This is an important point, without which we cannot progress as human beings and certainly not as disciples of Jesus. No wonder Paul was so open about his sins and weaknesses.
Paul as a Pharisee was a performer par excellence (Philippians 3:4-6). He was as works oriented as anyone could be. His drive for success made him perhaps the top student of Gamaliel, the most revered rabbi in Israel (Acts 22:3). His standard for life was set very high. He lived up to it in remarkable ways, but he trusted in his performance as a basis for a right standing with God. Such a mentality prompted writings like Romans and Galatians. No excellence of performance is going to earn a relationship with God. He knows all our sins, including the heart sins and the secret sins. God cannot be duped by our super-images, and sooner or later we will be exposed. We can play the ostrich, sticking our heads in the sand and denying the bad stuff in us, but all the while, others are observing everything else sticking out! It is time to get real with ourselves and others. Paul the Christian was not looking for love in all the wrong places (in performance). He opened up his life and heart and invited others in and expected them to do the same (2 Corinthians 6:11-13).
God’s ways are usually about 180 degrees opposite of man’s way. The worldly approach is to tell all the positive things about ourselves and to hide the negative. After we brag on ourselves in this way, we have only a gnawing, hollow feeling left. God says to keep all of the good stuff to ourselves and to confess all of the negative. At the end of this process, we are left with a warm and fuzzy feeling, knowing that God sees the good and will reward us for it, while people will see the bad and extend unconditional love to us. What could be better?
Learning to pull back the curtain on our hearts is an arduous and painful process. Nonethess, the more we are open about our sins and weaknesses, the more people will appreciate and respect us. People realize the difficulty of real transparency, and when we are opening wide our hearts to them, they are drawn to us like a magnet.
I appreciate the encouragement I receive from people regarding my leadership skills, or writing gifts, and I am grateful to God for the opportunities to use them. Recognition and respect are good, as long as we realize that all good things come from God and not from us. But what I appreciate most are simply open and sincere expressions of love, not for what I have done, but for who I want to be for God and others.
I will not say that I have escaped totally from the performance trap, for it has steel jaws at times, but I will say that I understand it intellectually. Further, I will also say that I am happiest when I emotionally grasp the truth of the gospel and relax enough to accept the love from God and others that I so much need. Won’t you join me?
Romans 10:5-15
Moses describes in this way the righteousness that is by the law: “The man who does these things will live by them.” 6 But the righteousness that is by faith says: “Do not say in your heart, ‘Who will ascend into heaven?'” (that is, to bring Christ down) 7 “or ‘Who will descend into the deep?'” (that is, to bring Christ up from the dead). 8 But what does it say? “The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart,” that is, the word of faith we are proclaiming: 9 That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. 11 As the Scripture says, “Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame.” 12 For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile–the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, 13 for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” 14 How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? 15 And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!”
Romans 10:9-10 is often quoted as proof that we are saved without baptism. However, verses 9-10 cannot be used to exclude baptism from the salvation process—for several reasons: One, chapter 10 follows chapter 6, and in that chapter, baptism is clearly taught to be a part of dying to sin and being raised to begin a new life; and two, “trust” in verse 11 and “call on him” in verse 12 go farther than simply believing and confessing. The progression in verses 14-15 is preaching, hearing, believing and calling.
Calling on the name of the Lord includes baptism, as may be readily seen in Acts 2:21, 38, and also in Acts 22:16. In Acts 2:21, Peter quotes from Joel 2:32 which states: “And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Then, when the people ask, in essence, just how to do that, Peter tells them to repent and be baptized (Acts 2:37-38). Acts 22:16 is even clearer, as Paul is told to “Get up, be baptized and wash your sins away, calling on his name.”
In Romans 10:9-10, Paul is talking about the Jews who had failed to accept Christ, and he is addressing the reasons for that rejection. He was making the point, beginning in verse 5, that the righteousness which comes by faith is not a complex issue, nor an unreachable goal. God has already done the difficult work by sending his Son to the cross. Now, in response to what he has done, we need to accept him as Lord and Messiah. That was the challenge to the Jew. Being baptized was not a hard concept for them to accept. It had been a part of John’s ministry, and large numbers of Jews had received it from his hands. Matthew 3:5-6 says that: “People went out to him from Jerusalem and all Judea and the whole region of the Jordan. Confessing their sins, they were baptized by him in the Jordan River.” Proselytes to Judaism were customarily baptized as an initiation rite into Judaism. Therefore, Paul had no reason to mention baptism again in this chapter. That was not their stumbling block.
The problem that the Jew did have was to accept Jesus as the Messiah and to then make this crucified Jew from despised Nazareth their Lord and King. Now that was a challenge! This background focus explains why the passage was worded as it was. Similarly, the problem with Gentile acceptance of the gospel was repentance. Therefore, Luke focused on that need all through the Book of Luke. In fact, his account of the Great Commission only mentions repentance: “He told them, ‘This is what is written: The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem’” (Luke 24:46-47).
Luke’s failure to specifically name faith in this account does not mean that he meant to exclude it from the conversion process. He was simply focusing on their greatest challenge. And Luke’s approach follows exactly the same principle used by Paul in Romans 10. Studying passages in their context is one of the most basic issues of biblical interpretation. As has been often said, “Taking a verse out of context creates a pretext.” Salvation is a process, as shown by this passage in Romans and in many others. It is built upon our faith in a crucified Savior, and thus all aspects of the salvation process fit within the scope of a faith response. But no part of the biblical response can be left out and then be assumed to be complete.
The gospel of Christ is good news! In fact, it is great news! And, of course, good news is always worth sharing. But some may view the good news as bad news, or at least as mediocre news. Then they will not be anxious to share it. Since many who wear the name of Christ do little or no sharing, something simply must be wrong with their view of the good news. Maybe their religion is a burden to them rather than a blessing.
What are the characteristics of one whose religion is a burden? One, he likely has a negative view of obedience. He secretly chafes at the idea of anyone (even God) telling him what to do. We live in a society which is bent on doing its own thing. “If it feels good, do it!” Therefore, words like “commandments” and “must” go against the grain of our spirits. We begin to pick and choose what we want to do, rather than really practicing the concept of “Thy will be done.”
Two, back of this negative view of obedience lies a negative view of God. We think that He is trying to stifle us, to ruin our fun. So we grimly hold on to our sour religion, hoping against hope that maybe heaven will be at least some fun. But the person with this frame of reference usually views heaven as better than hell, but not as good as life on earth. Thus God is seen as robbing us of what we would secretly like to do, if He weren’t watching. Since He is watching, however, we must behave, lest He slap us into hell. The “burdened” Christian sees God as primarily a Judge rather than as his Father. No wonder this sort of person doesn’t share the gospel. He has nothing to share!
What causes someone to develop such a non-biblical, harmful way of thinking? Almost always, the concept can be traced back to the way he first viewed “church.” Many youth are forced to be a part of something they don’t understand. On Sundays, they are roused out of a sound sleep, ordered to eat and get dressed, then it’s off to church we go. The child has not missed the fact that little of a spiritual nature has taken place in the home during the week. He has noticed that the Sunday morning atmosphere in the home is tense and folks are irritable with one another, as if they resented the “duties” of the day. He has heard the negativism about the church leaders and others in the flock. And he surely has noticed that his teaching in things religious has majored in “don’ts” rather than “do’s.”
Of course, not all parents program their children to resent God and church in this manner, but many do. We can force our children for only so long, but if they don’t understand the “why’s” of what we are doing, they will ultimately reject religion altogether, or inherit the negative “fire insurance” religion of their parents. Our children are mighty perceptive about us. They know where our real values are, and they will probably share in them when they are mature. If we love God with all of our hearts, they likely will also, provided the love is obvious in our lives and words. But we must communicate to them what life in Christ is all about, and not simply drag them to church.
Others come into the church from outside Christian families and they may also develop a burdened view of Christianity. Since the “seed re¬produces after its own kind,” they will become like others already in the Body. If they see negative people, they will usually imitate them. If they see excited Christians, they will likely retain their zeal. In any event, our early concepts of what church is all about will normally stay with us for a long time. It takes real effort and determination to change erroneous concepts, because they are implanted more at the emotional level than at the intellectual. We can know right and feel wrong, especially where early concepts are concerned. However, change is possible. Praise God for that! We can learn to enjoy our religion!
Now, what are the characteristics of one whose religion is a blessing? One, he is most often a newer convert from outside a Christian family. Thankfully, some raised in church families have this attitude also, but my experience has convinced me that a minority “raised in the church” feel this way. This is why newer converts are more evangelistic than those from Christian homes. They have experienced the blessings of the good news and are anxious to share it.
Two, the person with a “blessing religion” loves God’s commandments. In our day, the newer convert probably came out of an obviously sinful life-style. He knows that Satan’s enticements destroy rather than bless. He therefore sees grace in perspective. Rather than being resentful deep inside towards God’s commands, he is grateful for the guidance of a loving Father who is trying to steer him away from pain. God has filled the void in his soul, and he is excited enough to want to share the good news with others. Lest this article seem too negative towards us “lifers” (as one brother called those of us raised in the church setting), let me say that there would not be any new converts unless others in the Body taught them.
There are many excited Christians who have been in the Lord for many years. Praise God for you! You have fought Satan’s attacks successfully, becoming stronger as a result. You have refused to lose your first love (Revelation 2:4) and to become lukewarm (Revelation 3:16). When many new converts have started cooling off, you have encouraged them by life and by word. Your religion is a blessing and not a burden.
However, surely no one will argue the fact that far too many Christians do have a negative, burdened view of religion. Being honest about the reality of the problem will allow us to do something to solve it. Playing “ostrich” with our heads in the sand is not God’s way. We must be honest with ourselves and others if change would come.
Several suggestions are in order for helping us overcome a burdened view of religion. First, we must develop a healthy view of God and His grace. He is not waiting for us to mess up; He is waiting for us to start developing a personal love relationship with Him. Listening to taped sermons on grace, mercy, and love will help us a good deal. Reading positive books about Christ are of great benefit. Above all, pray to God by talking aloud with Him as you would talk to any person whom you loved. Be open and honest. Pour out your heart. Don’t say trite religious-sounding memorized phrases. Just talk to God and tell Him how you really feel deep down inside. That’s real prayer. Nothing else will suffice.
Second, begin thinking of the Bible as a Book of Life rather than a Book of Religion. It is practical and helpful in every area of life, from business to sexuality. God made us and speaks to our needs, whether great or small. He is trying to bless us, not stifle us. Learn to hunger and thirst after His words. Read for application to your life, not just for facts. You will begin to find things that are so helpful that you will want to share them with others!
Third, learn to overcome wrong things by doing right things. We cannot survive on a religion of “don’ts.” Overcome evil with good. God shows this approach clearly in Ephesians 4:25-32. Replace falsehood with speaking truth. Replace stealing with working in order to give to others in need. Replace unwholesome words with saying only what will build others up. Replace anger and slander with kindness and forgiveness. Practice a positive religion rather than simply avoiding negatives.
Fourth, learn to verbalize more to your family about God and His positive religion. As Moses said in Deuteronomy 6:5-7, we must first love God with all of our being, do what He says, and then talk about it as a normal part of everyday life. Sharing God with others was never intended to be a fearful burden, but an exciting blessing. Sharing good news is natural, if we really view it as good news.
Satan is pleased if we view our religion as a grim duty. God is pleased if we view it as a blessing. Let’s make Him happy. He deserves it. “We love because He first loved us.” “Rejoice, and again I say, rejoice.”
“But the men who had gone up with him, said, “We can’t attack these people; they are stronger than we are.” And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, “The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.” – Numbers 13:31-33
If there is power in positive thinking (especially spiritual positive thinking!), there is also power in the opposite. Of course, this power is satanic in nature, and using it will accomplish his ends rather than God’s. But without question, we are trained by our families and by our cultures to be negative in our evaluations of ourselves, others and circumstances. The most cursory glance at any newspaper will provide plenty of proof for this. Years ago, I vividly remember hearing a radio report of a study that was conducted to evaluate the results of those who characteristically thought negatively and those who thought positively. The findings of the study indicated that the negative thinkers were much more accurate in their assessments of situations, but the positive thinkers were able to produce positive results in negative situations. Even those without true spiritual perspectives have figured out that negative thinking produces negative results.
One of the most graphic Biblical accounts showing the power of negative thinking is Numbers 13, the record of the twelve spies sent to spy out Canaan. In reading this account, several obvious lessons show us paths to avoid at all costs. One lesson is that the negative often excites stronger emotions than does the positive. In spite of the faith-filled pleas of Joshua and Caleb, the two spies with a good report, the nation was easily and strongly swayed by the negative report. They quickly forgot God’s amazing miracles and victories and were absolutely filled with “grasshopper thinking.”
As humans, we are so prone to assume the worst and believe the worst. We focus on what is wrong or on what we are afraid is wrong. Negative thinking is a pervasive tendency. It must be seen as what it is—an unloving, unfaithful response to God’s promises. In terms of Paul’s definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13, spiritual thinking which is loving means that we do not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth—always protecting, always trusting, always hoping, always persevering (verses 6-7).
A second lesson gleaned from Numbers 13 is that a majority of people inevitably practice negative thinking. In this case, the ratio was ten to two among the spies and presumably a million to one in the multitude. We would much rather curse the darkness than light a candle. Those who do not jump to negative conclusions and think the worst are thought to be strange. No wonder so many people reacted negatively to Jesus. He was completely realistic about man’s sinful condition, but he was full of faith and confident that men could be changed by God’s power. The leaders of his time thought that he was demon-possessed. The narrow road of Matthew 7:13-14 is the path of a small minority. Only eight people in Noah’s day were able to rise above the crowd and trust in the promises of God (1 Peter 3:20). In Elijah’s day, thankfully there were 7,000 who had refused to bow the knee to Baal (1 Kings 19:18), but that was a small minority in Israel. In the aftermath of the crucifixion, how many were confident that resurrection would follow? Next to nil. If we are to follow Jesus, we had better get comfortable with always being in the minority and with being thought of as weird by the majority. I’ve got to love the church—it’s the only place where I am really accepted as somewhat normal.
A third lesson from Numbers 13 is that negativism is deceptive to observers. It seems so, well, normal. Since Satan is the great deceiver, this should not come as any surprise. What does come as a surprise is how completely we can all be deceived by sin at times. We can feel that we are doing right with a perfectly clear conscience, only to discover later that we were clearly wrong in the matter. The problem is that the negative view was quite a lot of reality to commend it, and it’s often mixed with some positives.
For example, in Numbers 13:27-28, we read this report of the spies: “They gave Moses this account: ‘We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey! Here is its fruit. But the people who live there are powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large. We even saw descendants of Anak there’” (Numbers 13:27-28). Although the negative was prefaced with the positive, the negative carried the day. In our conversation, the content following the conjunction “but” shows convincingly whether we are focused on the positives or the negatives. If we end with the negative, it will lodge in our hearts and the hearts of others. Being realistic with the facts is good, but with faith is better—it’s essential. Note the difference in the two reports given to the Israelites: “Then Caleb silenced the people before Moses and said, ‘We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.’ But the men who had gone up with him said, ‘We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are’” (Numbers 13:30-31).
How are you at being focused on the positives about situations and other people? Do you justify negativity by claiming that you must deal honestly with reality? In Romans 4:19, we find that Abraham faced the facts of his situation, but then he “faithed” them. The facts are the facts are the facts, but God is greater than any reality that blocks what he wants done in our lives. It is not, “God is powerful and good, but look at these worrisome facts.” It must rather be, “the worrisome facts are present, but God is bigger and stronger than any combination of them.”
Faith looks beyond humanistic realities to divine possibilities. The physical components and characteristics of water are such that man cannot walk on it, but try convincing Peter of that one! God is God, and we cannot be deceived into allowing our faith to be destroyed in any situation, however challenging it may seem from a human viewpoint!
A fourth lesson from Kadesh Barnea (where the spies were sent out from) should be quite obvious: Leaders have the most responsibility for determining the thinking of the group they lead. However, the followers who are influenced by them are absolutely responsible for their choices. The whole nation was punished for their lack of faith, not just the leaders. What a tragedy! Just think of what might have been. After leaving Egypt, the Israelites could have gone quickly into the Land of Promise. Forty years of attending funerals could have been averted (all of those twenty years old or older would die before the nation could enter Canaan). Negative thinking shows up first in leadership. Only if leaders are positive do you find out who the negative thinkers are back in the pack (and some are always there).
Leaders have the God-given responsibility to lead, but followers have the responsibility to follow. Hebrews 13:17 says: “Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you” (Hebrews 13:17). The Greek term translated “to submit to their authority” means literally to “be persuaded.” True, leaders must be willing to reason and persuade, but the passage is addressed to followers. They must have a mind to be persuaded, to be open to changing their minds.
This event is a chilling reminder of thinking negatively and unfaithfully. We must see the power of negativity and avoid it like the plague it is. When you begin to lack faith about anything, rest assured that Satan is near. True, we need to recognize when something is wrong, but then we must look for godly solutions. Entertaining negative thoughts with no plan to change the situation is dangerous to our spiritual health and to all the things that God wants us to accomplish in his Kingdom.
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” – Colossians 3:15
What enables us to have such uncommon peace as Christians? Probably the key word is “commonality,” for we share so many essential things in common. But three of these items are unquestionably at the very top of the list of essentials. One is our relationship with God and the nature of that relationship. All of us were baptized into Christ only after the decision to truly make Jesus the Lord of our lives. It was not a selfish decision to simply get saved; it was a selfless decision to surrender our lives in representing him to our fellow man. Therefore, we are intent on imitating him and doing what pleases him. He is, and forever must remain, our top priority of life.
A second essential that ensures peace and unity is based on that decision to make Jesus the Lord of our lives. This decision means that everyone will be discipled, which ensures in turn that a lack of peace simply will not be tolerated. If we have a problem with another disciple, we go to them or they come to us for a resolution. Actually, we should be going to them as they are coming to us, for in Matthew 5:23-24 Jesus says that we should go to the other person if we have offended them, and in Matthew 18:15-16 he says that we should pursue reconciliation if we are the one offended. Hence, we have God’s double indemnity spiritual life insurance policy which guarantees the dividend of our uncommon peace.
The third essential is that disciples also have the same basic mission-—to seek and save the lost. When we are in the battle together, we are not very likely to attack one another. Persecution from a common enemy as we seek to carry out our mission will actually unify us even more if we view and handle it biblically. An all-out commitment to the mission and to discipling is what separates us from mere church goers. The first gives us our purpose in life and the second, the means by which it can be accomplished. If we stay committed to the mission and to discipling, our unity will stay strong. Obviously, if we begin to waver on either, unity will be threatened. We cannot afford to condone any deviation from the unity for which Jesus prayed—and died.
Biblically, the “daily diet” of the healthy disciple consists of the essentials above. We are to spend time in the Word daily (Acts 17:11) and in prayer (Luke 11:1-4), both of which are elements in our relationship with God. We are to share our faith daily (Acts 17:17) and be open with our lives daily with one another (Hebrews 3:12). Therefore, the first warning sign of approaching disunity comes when we as individuals do not have our relationship with God as our top priority. When either the quantity or quality of time with him is compromised, sin will enter and ultimately permeate our spiritual lives.
A second warning sign appears when there is a lack of commitment to and involvement in the mission of evangelism. Paul’s short letter to Philemon makes this remarkable statement: “I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ” (Philemon 1:6). While the context of this verse is likely referring most directly to the sharing of faith and our lives with other Christians, all sharing of our faith builds our faith. Appreciation for our life in Christ grows with our sharing of it. Evangelism is not just to save the souls of the lost; it is designed to keep our own souls saved.
When we are studying the Bible with others, we are reminded of why we became disciples in the first place, our hearts and convictions are strengthened incredibly. We remain excited and thankful about the amazing life that God has given us in Christ. Therefore, if evangelism has become humdrum to us, a burden and not a blessing, a duty and not a desire, we are slipping into the sins described in Revelation 2 and 3: loss of our first love and lukewarmness. If you are not in the mission heart and soul right now, Satan is into his mission with you, heart and soul. Wake up and repent.
A third warning sign is more subtle and deceptive than the other two. It of course ties in to the discipling process. Are we being discipled? Are we consistently seeking advice? Are we being open with what is in our heart of hearts? Do we want to be open with everything? The honest answers to those questions will go a long way in evaluating where we are spiritually. Satan is a master at encouraging us to be partially open, but not to really share our deepest doubts, sins and fears. For God to use us powerfully, we must learn to trust and stay truly open to discipling and God’s Word.
Let us heed the words of Paul, “I appeal to you brothers, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought” (1 Corinthians 1:10). A clear focus on the essentials of our faith will produce in us an uncommon peace and a powerful people united in faith.
“I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.” —Mark 10:29-30
I needed to go to Philadelphia to help out an old friend. The church leader there, Walter Evans, asked me to speak to one of their ministry groups on Sunday, since I was going to be in town until the next day. We discussed where I was most needed and settled on the campus group. I was pleased, since my personal preference is always to speak to this group—I love their youthful idealism and sharp minds.
However, on that particular day, to be honest, speaking was more of an assignment than a passion, so I did not have high expectations for the service. Thankfully, God did. I was looking forward to seeing my daughter’s husband, Jeff (whom we call our “son by marriage,” not “son-in-law”), who was in town for a wedding. When I arrived, I learned that a groupof the HOPE Youth Corps would also be in attendance.
The service began with enthusiastic singing. My heart started stirring. Thank God for singing. The welcome by the campus ministry leader followed. Although I did not know the brother well at all, I was most impressed and thought to myself, “This is an amazing introduction to a service. I need to steal it!” Then after some other passionate songs, a campus ministry intern began the communion message. As it turned out, he was one of the top college debate team members in the country, and he spoke well. I was moved even more. Thank God for young leaders! He then introduced a campus woman from North Carolina who was to share what the cross had done in her life. I was unprepared for what was about to happen.
As she came up to the microphone, her physical beauty was apparent. Soon her spiritual beauty would be. Something about her voice was unusual, and for a few moments I couldn’t identify why. I had heard similar voice and pronunciation qualities before, and suddenly I realized that Kelly was deaf. She shared about how her physical father had rejected her because she was deaf and therefore imperfect. She went on to share how her stepfather had rejected her and forced Kelly’s mom to choose between her older children from a previous relationship and him (she chose him). She described the heartache, heartbreak and rebellion fostered by such rejection. Toward the end, she shared her conversion experience and closed with a profound but sad statement: she could picture God as Creator, as Savior and even as Husband, but she could not picture him as Father. Her concept of a father was seriously damaged by her life experiences.
By this time, tears were spilling down my cheeks and down Jeff’s as well. Most of those young people in the audience were brushing back tears. I quickly wrote down Mark 10:29-30 on a note to Kelly, and offered to “adopt” her as my daughter. God had really moved my heart, and then he used me to move many other hearts during the sermon that followed. The whole experience could only be called a “God thing.” After the lesson Kelly gave me a big hug, and I sensed that God was going to use all of this to do some healing in her.
The idea of being a spiritual dad for young people did not have a welcome beginning in my mind and heart. I had moved to San Diego to lead the church there when I was forty-two years old. One of the young interns asked to talk to me after a staff meeting. He shared that he felt really close to me, almost like I was his dad, and then he asked if he could call me “Dad.” I replied, “Absolutely not!” I rebelled at the idea of being seen as that old. When I shared the experience with one of the elders there, he gave me a much different perspective. He talked about how many young disciples either do not have living fathers or they have poor relationships with them. He thought that being a dad to them was one of the best roles we could have. In essence, I said that that was fine for him, but not for me! (He was a couple of years older.) The years have shown me just how right he was. Being a dad to many people in the church has been such a joy and honor.
Several years ago, Bryan and Renée (our “natural” children) gave me a ring for Christmas which displays the word “Dad.” They understood that I was not just a dad to them, but to many others. They often ask us to “adopt” some of their friends who need the spiritual love of mom and dad figures. Mark 10 has become one of my favorite passages because it gets at the heart of love in the kingdom—family love, adoptive love.
After the Philadelphia experience, I received a card from Kelly, asking if she could visit us with Theresa and me, if only for a dinner. She had taken the adoption thing seriously. I make the offer on a widespread basis, and some take me up on it in a special way (no doubt those who need it most). Kelly is one of those. She seemed to sense what John the apostle sensed in his relationship with Jesus. He felt totally at ease reclining on Jesus’ bosom (the literal translation of John 13:23) at the Passover meal. He described himself in the same verse as “the disciple whom Jesus loved.” Do you really think Jesus loved him more than he loved the other disciples? I rather think that Jesus loved all of them more than any of them could come close to grasping. But I do think that John was best at accepting and internalizing Jesus’ love. He perceived at a deeper level what kind of relationship was there for the taking. People like John and Kelly simply claim what is actually available and soak up the love as a result.
Kelly came to visit for a few days, and we shared our story at a workshop for singles. She later visited again for a few days with her younger sister, hoping to influence her by showing her what love in the kingdom is all about. Kelly has become a special daughter to me and Theresa and has found a lodging in our hearts and lives that will outlast this life. Kingdom relationships are closer than mere physical relationships. I may have trouble appreciating some things in the kingdom as much as I should, but the relationships I do understand and appreciate.
I, like untold numbers of others, am the product of a dysfunctional family. When I was younger, I looked for love “in all the wrong places,” as the song says, but now I have discovered the true love of the family of God. He has granted me the high honor of being a dad to his family, and Theresa a mom. And the reason for this is that others might feel his love through us, and through every disciple, as we come to understand what his family is to be to the world and to one another. Then we will be able to lavish on others what he has lavished on us.
If we are not filled to overflowing with gratitude for the family of God, we simply have missed the essence of the gospel. Figure it out, for within these relationships are housed some of the most unbelievable blessings which will ever be known to mankind on this side of eternity.
“Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother’” (Mark 3:34-35)
Another Kind of Adoption — the Story Continues
My article, “Another Kind of Adoption,” was originally written as a chapter in my book, The Power of Gratitude. (Read the article in the Articles section on this web site if you have not read it.) I had met Kelly, the star of the story, in July of 1998 and then wrote the chapter in my book in May of the following year. Therefore, the story was less than a year old when I described how our relationship began, and even though it progressed quickly, much has occurred in the nearly fifteen years since. Kelly was twenty-four years old and single back then; she is now thirty-nine, married with three children. I am writing this article to update you on how God has continued to work in our lives and relationship, and in the process will add in a few details that were not included in the original article.
Kelly is one amazing young woman, who has now earned her doctorate and teaches at the university level. When she and her husband, Kye, decided to start a family, she had her heart set on having twins. Then on a biblical tour of Rome, she decided that she wanted those twins to have their genesis in Rome. In spite of the fact that twins do not run in either her family or Kye’s, she indeed conceived twin boys in that ancient city, one of whom is named Roman. Keep in mind that we are talking about a woman who has been basically deaf since she was a toddler. That’s why it takes words like “amazing” to begin to describe her adequately.
But, let’s run the clock and the story back to that fateful meeting in July of 1998. As stated in the original article, Kelly invited herself to Boston for a visit. She stated on the card she sent me that she knew I was a busy man, but still had to eat, and so asked if she at least could have a meal with me. Talk about being starved for the love of a dad! I wept when I read the card. (I’m weeping now.) So I wrote her back and said, “Just come up and spend a weekend with us,” which she soon did. I set her up on a date with a good young man from MIT, and the four of us went up to the North Side (all Italian) for dinner and hanging-out time.
Going back to the car after dinner, Theresa was walking and talking with Kelly’s date, and I was talking with Kelly. She was looking at me with lights in her eyes, like a kid in a candy store, or as if she had somehow entered into a fairy tale. I told her something like this: “Kelly, whatever love you are feeling from me now (and I hope she was feeling all that was there), multiply it several million times, and you will be starting to get the picture of how much God loves you.” You recall that her communion message was that she could see God as a Creator or a Judge, but not as a Father. Well, it was some weekend, as you can imagine.
She came back a second time with her sister, hoping we could influence her, and on that trip, I think we spoke at a Single’s Service and shared “our” story. We’ve come a long way together since then. She came a third time to introduce us to Kye, to whom she was engaged or about to become engaged. Our next time together was at their wedding in Savannah. She told me that since I was her dad, she wanted her step-dad to walk her only half way down the aisle, and then have me take her from there, and then perform the wedding. She also wanted Theresa to share some thoughts for them in the ceremony – all of which we did. It was a beautiful day in a beautiful setting. As I was waiting in the garden where it was to be held, someone came for me and said Kelly wanted to see me upstairs in the Bride’s Room. She, the bridesmaids and her Mom were all fully dressed and ready, but as I entered the room, “Butterfly Kisses” started playing and Kelly came over to me for a father/daughter dance in front of that small, but special audience.
That girl is so far down in my heart she couldn’t find her way out if she wanted to (and, of course, she would never want to). But to me, here is perhaps the biggest shocker of all. Several years after our relationship began, her biological father (who had rejected her earlier because of her not being “normal”) got in touch with her and wanted to get with her, to which she agreed. He expressed regret about not being there for her when she was growing up and wanted to have a relationship with her now. She told him that she was fine with having an adult relationship with him, but that she couldn’t go back to being a little girl again and make up for all of those missed years. Then she added the kicker. She said, “Gary (I think that’s his name), as I said, I’m happy to have an adult relationship with you, but to be honest, I don’t need an emotional relationship with you as a dad. I have that with Gordon.”
Knowing the longing that adopted kids and others in similar situations to Kelly’s have to connect with their biological parents, this one blew me away – totally! I still find it almost unbelievable that I could be the chosen one for such an exalted role. Kelly is as much of a daughter as anyone could possibly be, bloodlines notwithstanding. She is probably more like me in character and personality than anyone I know, which can only be one of those “God things.”
So those are the highlights of the continuing story. Pretty good ones, wouldn’t you say? Sadly, there have been long periods when I haven’t stayed in touch with Kelly very well. I recall writing her once (probably more than once) and apologizing for being a poor dad to her by not keeping up with her better. (That has been one of my weaknesses in the past with loved ones.) In reply to my apology, Kelly said, “Dad, you were there for me when I needed you most. We’re good.” I don’t deserve that kind of love, but it has helped me repent – with her and others.
Something over a year ago, I was teaching a Texas staff training session in Dallas while working with the Houston church, and Kelly and Kye were in San Antonio visiting his family and their church friends there. I flew down for a day to see her. She and Kye took me out for lunch when I arrived, and then he went back to visit his relatives, while Kelly and I sat in a Starbucks outside seating area and talked for hours. (I have to fine-tune my feminine side for such lengthy conversations!) Not long before we moved to California, Kelly visited us in Phoenix for a few days, and we had another one or two dad and daughter times at Starbucks (her favorite coffee place, being a Seattle resident!). She is now planning a trip to visit us in California at our new home. Thankfully, Kye is always willing to keep the kids when she spends time with us because he understands the importance of her being with her adopted dad.
And so the story continues with Kelly, as Jesus’ perspective about his church being true family continues to be fulfilled in our relationship.
Mark 3:31-35
Then Jesus’ mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him. A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, “Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you.” “Who are my mother and my brothers?” he asked. Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”
Mark 10:29-30
“I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields–and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.”
