Eternity’s Brink – Episode 5 – Who is Our God, Really?

A Beautiful Realization

How do you know a person, really know them? This knowledge can come through several avenues. One is through their actions. “By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? ¹⁷ Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. ¹⁸ A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit” (Matthew 7:15-18).  Our actions begin to define us early in life, as Proverbs 20:11 informs us. “Even small children are known by their actions, so is their conduct really pure and upright?” The challenge of defining God by his actions we have already mentioned. Some of those actions seem scarily harsh and some seem tender and warm. Therefore, trying to really grasp the nature of God through examining his actions alone falls short of the goal, at least for me.

The same challenge exists when looking at the titles or names of God. This could be a long study if we considered all of the Hebrew terms thus used, so let’s just look at some we have already mentioned. Creator, Lord, King, Judge, Father, Abba, Friend. These also provide us with a bit of a mixed bag. Understanding that the three latter terms are covenant terms for those in a saved relationship with God is helpful, but terminology and titles alone don’t fully clarify the nature of God for me. More is needed. What is the essence of God’s nature? What best defines him? Who is our God, really?

Now we come to what I believe to be the main revelation God brought to my mind during my hospital struggles. It may well have been the reason he allowed me to go through those struggles in the first place. If so, it was worth it. I believe the implications and applications of this one point about the nature of God are absolutely monumental. Yet, it is clearly stated in the Bible in spite of the fact that most people simply miss the point, amazingly. It is an obvious truth hidden in plain sight!  For me, it began with one little statement coming to mind made years ago by an old friend named Jim McGuiggan. Jim is one of the most interesting, captivating people I have ever had discussions with, and we had a number of them. We both were teachers at Preacher’s Schools, two of the best-known ones, and this shared profession brought us together on occasion.

I have long felt that Jim was perhaps the most outstanding Bible scholar in the mainstream Churches of Christ. His study was broad and his presentations of it were captivating, whether in print or in speech (with his Irish brogue). He wrote both NT and OT commentaries, with some of the latter addressing several of the most challenging prophets. His commentary on Ezekiel is my go-to source when trying to figure out the meanings of what I believe to be the most difficult book to interpret in the OT (actually, in the entire Bible). He wrote extensively on prophecy and exposed the errors of modern “end-times” teachers. His book, “The Reign of God” is priceless in expanding one’s view of God. But in spite of his extensive writing about complex doctrinal topics, his books containing short devotional chapters about our relationship to God and each other are my favorites. The titles of two of this type give insight into the contents: “The God of the Towel” and “Jesus, Hero of Thy Soul.”

Before we proceed with my recall of his little statement, let me ask you a question. Suppose you were a part of a very large church which had many ministers on the staff of the church. What if someone asked you which one of the ministers was the very best one and to describe them with one word or a very brief phrase. What might you say makes them the best in your opinion? Some common answers could be along these lines. He’s a great speaker. He’s a really effective organizer. He’s always nice to me and others I see him with. He has a good marriage and family. He knows his Bible really well. He connects with the audience and with individuals on an emotional level. He has both intellectual and emotional intelligence. Just what might you say about your favorite minister right now in describing why they are your favorite? I know how God would both identify and describe the best one on any church staff anywhere. I do. Unquestionably. Jesus said it.

This leads us to the statement that came to mind as I was somewhere between life and death in that hospital bed? Here it is: “God did not become a servant when he became a man (in the person of Jesus); he became a man precisely because he was a servant.” I immediately thought of Matthew 20:25-28. “Jesus called them together and said, ‘You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. ²⁶ Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, ²⁷ and whoever wants to be first must be your slave – ²⁸ just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.’” Jesus uses two terms to differentiate between spiritual leadership and worldly leadership. All spiritual leaders are to be servants (diakonos), and the greatest of them are to be slaves (doulos).  Assuming the position of a slave meant to renounce all individual rights, and to live one’s life in service of others.

In Matthew 23, Jesus was condemning the leadership of the Pharisees and teachers of the law in no uncertain terms. He forbad applying titles to mere men, leaders or not. As I explain in my first chapter of “Dynamic Leadership,” we can be rightly described in terms of function and role, but never in terms of titles and offices. I am not Gordon the Teacher (with a capital “T”), but Gordon who teaches, and unless I am functioning in that role, I am just one of the brothers—on level ground at the foot of the cross. Just before Jesus pronounced his seven woes upon the leaders of his day, he said about the same thing he had said to the apostles with their worldly views of leadership. “The greatest among you will be your servant. ¹² For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted” (Matthew 23:11-12).

I have probably written more about spiritual leadership than any other biblical subject, and yet I think very few church leaders understand what Jesus is teaching in these two accounts in Matthew. We cannot seem to expunge our worldly views of leadership. We simply cannot, at least the large majority cannot. If you are shocked by my dogmatism here, let me illustrate. A dear sister of mine, a former ministry staff member herself, shared an experience she had that didn’t shock me, but it saddened me. She listened to recordings of the majority of the main lessons delivered at one of our conferences—the one held in 2016 in St. Louis. She was especially struck with how the various speakers introduced themselves.

All but one did it something like this: “Hello, my name is _______, and my wife and I lead the ___________ church.” The one exception evidently took Matthew 20 literally and said: “Hello, my name is Tom Brown, and my wife and I serve the North River church.” I’m not surprised that Tom was the one who took this approach. It was his spirituality and humility that drew me and my wife into this family of churches back in the early 1980’s. In the classes of the recent church Summit Conference in Orlando, I did notice more leaders describing themselves as those who serve churches. That was encouraging.

Yes, yes, I know that the Bible, including the NT, uses the term “leader.” And yes, I know that followers of those leaders are called to be submissive to them. I know all of these passages and I believe and teach them. But I also believe that our emphasis shows what we most believe and value about leadership, and it isn’t Matthew 20. How do we keep missing the vital heart of leadership? Get ready for a shock. We start going amiss by missing the real heart of God, his true nature. And what is that? Servanthood, pure and simple. While he can be described accurately in many ways with many terms, his overriding nature is simply that of a servant.

We know that we are to imitate Christ and we do try to imitate many things about him. But is our natural inclination to gird ourselves with a towel and wash the feet of the unworthy? That was exactly what Jesus did in John 13. He wasn’t temporarily lowering himself to make a point; he was acting in accordance with who he was by nature. He was a servant, has always been one and always will be one. Just consider what is being said in Hebrews 7:25. “Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.” Jesus lives to serve you and me, right now and always, twenty-four/seven. Do you always live to serve the people God has given you to serve (lead)? Do they describe you as a great servant, an imitator of Jesus with this most fundamental leadership quality defining you best as a leader?

While many words describe Jesus and what a righteous life consists of, he summed it up as love. Loving God with all of our being and loving our neighbor as ourselves are the foundation of the entire Law (Matthew 22:36-40). Paul stated the same principle is slightly different words in Romans 13:8-10. That said, John warned us not to mistake love for a feeling without actions demonstrating that love. 1 John 3:18 says, “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” A similar summation word for me is one I have used quite a lot, the word “surrender.” This term encapsulates the words faith and trust. Actually, faith is used in at least six different, but related, ways in the NT, all falling into the idea of surrender.

One other summation word is what this who episode is about, servanthood. It encompasses all that love is, just like the word surrender encompasses all that faith is. Those terms help me grasp the bottom line and provide the big picture view of the very essence of who God is and who I am to be as I strive to imitate him. The key point of Matthew 20 about the servant/slave being the greatest of all is illustrated by Christ coming not to be served but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many. I find Luke’s parallel account of the same truth striking. Luke 22:25-27: “Jesus said to them, ‘The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. ²⁶ But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves. ²⁷ For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who is at the table? But I am among you as one who serves.’”

Perhaps even more striking is what Jesus says in Luke 12 about his return in words very similar to those in his Matthew 25 parable of the ten virgins. In both passages, he is describing our need to be ready and watching for that coming. Then Luke 12:37 records this shocking statement: “It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. Truly I tell you, he will dress himself to serve, will have them recline at the table and will come and wait on them.” Do you grasp the implications of what he is promising us who remain faithful until he comes again? We, the servants of the most high God will continue being served by the most high God. Christ and the Father are both described in Scripture as Lord of lords and King of kings. They obviously can also be described as Servant of servants. In some inexplicable way, God will still serve us in the world to come as he does now. He is a servant, always and forever. He cannot be otherwise. His nature never changes, nor can it. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8). A remarkable truth hidden in plain sight, indeed!

Eternity’s Brink – Episode 4 – Finding Clarity

The Bible Makes it Clear

Most importantly, the Bible itself shows the type of relationship that God longs for with us. Many passages could be quoted to prove that point. Here are just a few of them, taken from the OT only, for reasons you can probably guess.

“The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

“But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.” (Psalm 86:15)

 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! ¹⁶ See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.” (Isaiah 49:15-16)

“How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. ⁸ They feast on the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights. ⁹ For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light.” (Psalm 36:7-9)

“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22-23)

“The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” (Jeremiah 31:3)

(In this written version, I will include a few of the many NT passages making the point.)

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:37-39)

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! (1 John 3:1)

“…God is love.” (1 John 4:8)

“We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)

“But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, ⁵ made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. ⁶ And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, ⁷ in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.” (Ephesians 2:4-7) 

“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge–that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” (Ephesians 3:17-19)

One of my favorite demonstrations of God’s love for us is found in Luke 15 in the account of the Prodigal Son. To really get the point, you have to understand that the father in the story represents God, and then you need to put yourself back into that cultural setting. When the younger son asked for his inheritance while his father was yet alive, that was not just disrespectful; it brought shame upon the father. Then the shame was compounded when the son started using his inheritance to live in open sin and rebellion. The older brother’s comments in the story show that bad news travels fast and everyone, including the father’s friends, likely knew of the disgraceful behavior of the younger son. But finally, the boy had enough of living in the pig pen and decided to come home. His expectations were in line with how the average father would have responded in the same situation. If he let a rebellious son come back at all, it would have been as a servant, an act designed to bring disgrace on the one who had disgraced him. There would have been nothing shown in their interactions suggesting a father/son relationship, at least not initially.

The returning son in the story understood the culture and what should happen in his case. But the father in the story was not of this earth; he was the heavenly Father. What did he do? Previously, as much as he loved the son, he did not go and try to talk him out of the pig pen. God will not violate the freedom of choice that he has given us, even when we use it badly. But this father was looking down the road constantly, hoping against hope that the boy would come to his senses and return home. When he spotted the boy walking hesitantly and ashamedly toward the house, the father was filled with compassion, not with the anger that a mere human father would have felt after being repeatedly shamed by his offspring. This Father then ran to greet him rather than waiting for the kid to come to him and humble himself before him as would normally have been expected. Someone wrote a book about this Bible account and entitled it, “Will God Run?” Obviously, the answer is yes—a thousand times, yes!

The boy had his repentance story well-rehearsed. It had three parts. He only got the first two parts out before being interrupted by the God of all grace. “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.’” From there, the celebration party was set in motion, and given who it was throwing the party, it would have been quite a party. But what we must not miss is that even before the runaway started confessing his repentance, before he got one word out, his father hugged and kissed him. What does this tell you about the kind of relationship God wants with you and me? A ton. He wants it to be a warm and fuzzy relationship, and any view of God that does not include this fact cannot be correct. But there is more—much, much more. The next segment reveals the most significant insight I had during my whole ordeal about the nature of God.

Eternity’s Brink—Episode 3 – God and Me II

A Personal Relationship With God?

Religious folks often speak of having a personal relationship with God. What does that actually mean? How personal can it be? When you read those aforementioned passages from the OT, it is not easy to grasp that God even wants a relationship with us that could be described as personal. To me, a personal relationship involves “warm and fuzzy” as a part of it, a feeling of closeness in which hugs (and maybe kisses) would be expected and enjoyed. Can we have that with God? Does he even want that? I know he wants us to fear and reverence him, for the OT makes that abundantly clear, but what about the personal part? Maybe those questions don’t come into your mind. If not, good for you. They do come into my mind, which you can surely understand by knowing my background with its struggles.

Answers have come to me in stages in a variety of different ways. One of the early stages was when I developed my teaching materials on the Book of Romans. This stage started early, for I originally developed a course on Romans in my early 30’s when teaching in the same Preacher’s School I had graduated from a few years prior. I became “the” Romans teacher in the school and taught the cour           se repeatedly. It was pretty much the same material later found in my booklet, “Justified,” and then still later in my book, “Romans: the Heart Set Free.”

Interestingly, the title of the booklet encapsulates almost the whole story of grace in Christ. Justified translates a Greek legal term that means “not guilty” or “innocent.” I describe justified as meaning “just-as-if-I’d never sinned.” Through the years as I taught Romans many times in many places, my view of God was pretty much on target. Some of the illustrations I “stole” and included in my printed offerings thrill my heart and bring tears to my eyes every time I read them. Through the eyes of Romans, grace abounds and is everywhere to be found!

In my later years, I’ve not taught Romans much, which has been a recent realization. As a partial result, I have struggled more with my view of God and moved back toward my early tendencies. But God allows struggles for a reason. I believe he wanted me to look for and find other ways to deepen my faith in him, his grace and his personal interest in me as his son. Maybe that’s why I ended up in the hospital. One example may leave you scratching your head—or not. I woke up one day a few years back just feeling the need for a hug from God. He is said to be our Abba, our Dad, and I needed a Daddy hug. We were at our little cottage near a lake in East Texas, where we’ve spent a lot of time since we bought it in the summer of 2016. It’s a great place for writing and I’ve written several books and many articles while looking out the windows at the lake across the street. The pandemic increased our time at the lake.

Anyway, that particular morning when I felt a strong need for a hug from God, I started thinking about ways he would give hugs. The most obvious is when he hugs us through other people. I often tell people that whatever love they feel from me, multiply it a million times and they will begin to grasp how much God loves them. He uses people as vessels to express his love, but it must be multiplied many, many times to get the real picture. When God uses others to talk to me, write to me, or literally to hug me, I often am attuned spiritually enough to the spirit world to realize that it is God giving me a hug. But how else does God give hugs? Answering prayers with a yes would be another way but there are yet others.

The way I am going to describe in the following example I would have questioned earlier in life and probably have thought it just weird. That morning, as I said, I really wanted to see or feel God. I happened to look down on the floor of our bedroom at an air vent that delivered warm air in the winter and cool air in the summer. It was summertime and the air from that vent was blowing right in my face when I was sleeping. I was good with the warm air in my face during the winter, but the cold air bothered me. I started thinking about how to solve that problem.

I could just put a cardboard box in front of it to block the airflow, but I thought some customized solution likely existed if I could just think of it. I decided to go out into the garage and see if any answer made itself evident. As I opened the back door of the detached garage, the first thing I saw was a set of shelves where I stored all sorts of things. The first shelf my eye focused on held a plastic container that I didn’t remember seeing before. I immediately thought about the air vent and its size. I grabbed the plastic container and went quickly back inside to the bedroom. The container fit over the vent perfectly. All I had to do was cut off one end and I had a customized solution to redirect the airflow.

I didn’t remember having such a container in the garage. All I know is that it was sitting in the exact place that my eyes settled on after opening the garage door, and it was the perfect solution for my need. As soon as I saw it, I felt like I had received a hug from God. I think he somehow arranged that sequence on that day when I asked him for a hug. Does that sound crazy to you? At one time it would have to me, most definitely. But since then, I have experienced many similar instances which I believe God arranged as hugs.

In an article about my cancer experiences (one of the “Roller Coaster” articles), I made the statement that God is a God who wants to be seen and can be seen. I used my favorite illustration about going from not seeing something to seeing it everywhere in amazing fashion. If you haven’t read that illustration, you should. Also on my teaching website (gordonferguson.org) is an article entitled, “I Have Lost My Faith (in Coincidences).” It’s a long article and mentions many of the events in my life prior to becoming a preacher. It actually forms an unusual prequel to my book, “My Three Lives,” and is interesting for that reason alone. But the overall emphasis of the article is that I believe God is with me and in my life every day, all day, and has been my entire life, even during the years when I wasn’t close to seeking God or anything godly. Some days I “see” him; most days I do not. But he is there whether I see him or not. I love the days when I see him and feel him, and I’m quite sure he feels the same.

Relationship is definitely the operative word. Some months ago, I was thinking about the various terms in the Bible which describe God. He is Creator. He is the Lord of lords and King of kings. He is the Judge of all mankind. Many terms are used to describe him, many of which focus only on his power and authority. These I mentioned don’t bring a relationship to mind, at least not a warm, close personal relationship. Then what should have been obvious hit me. Prior to conversion, we have a Creator/created relationship with God. He wants it to be much more than that, and in fact he provided great motivation to bring it about by becoming a man to die for those whom he created. That’s the gospel story, which is too beautiful to be believed, yet it is true and God somehow enables us to believe it. Other religions have the concept of their gods visiting planet earth in human form, as Acts 14 illustrates, but Christianity is absolutely unique in the concept of the Creator dying for the created. Simply astounding!

Once we are converted and become spiritual creations of God, the relationship is far, far different. Now God is Father, in fact Abba Father, our Dad. He is our friend. I dearly love what Jesus said along these lines to his disciples. “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15). Through the apostles, he has made everything known to us as well. As we work to carry out what we call the Great Commission (Co-mission, us and him), Jesus finishes up Matthew 28 with this very appropriate promise: “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” He is that friend who sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24).

What does friendship mean to you? Although there are many types and levels of friendship, the most important one is well described in Proverbs 18:24. Whoever else fits into that definition for you, I know God does. The old hymn, “My God and I,” is on target in describing the possibilities in having a real friendship with God. Just listen to these words and picture them taking place with you and God.

My God and I go in the fields together,
We walk and talk as good friends should and do;
We clasp our hands, our voices ring with laughter,
My God and I walk through the meadow’s hue.

He tells me of the years that went before me,
When heavenly plans were made for me to be;
When all was but a dream of dim conception,
To come to life, earth’s verdant glory see.

My God and I will go for aye together,
We’ll walk and talk as good friends should and do;
This earth will pass, and with it common trifles,
But God and I will go unendingly.

During those long nights in the hospital, God and I were friends. I saw him as a friend, and I talked with him as a friend. That’s why I chose the initial title for the series, “Sitting With God on the Brink of Eternity.” That’s exactly what it felt like. I didn’t know whether I was about to enter it with him or not, but we talked about it. Sometimes I wanted to go and sometimes I wanted to stay, but even when I wanted to stay, I realized that if I did, I would likely have to go through another time like that one to escape this planet. We all die. We ended our conversations much the same every night. I said that he knew what I couldn’t know, as Psalm 139:16 states: “all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Therefore, since knowing the time and circumstances of my death is beyond my pay grade, I just told him that I would try to get some sleep and let him worry about it (not that he worries). I think those times provided pretty good examples of real friendship.

Eternity’s Brink—Episode 2—God and Me

Face to Face With God

The nights were the worst. I was having hallucinations and delusions. I imagined myself in different places, with other people present and some really strange smells as a part of it. I couldn’t sleep much at all and was thinking about death and meeting God much of the time. While I was in that condition, it brought my view of God into sharp focus. Most of my life, I have struggled with my view of God. The way I have seen him produced a fear of aging and death in me that has been very difficult to shed. I have for years explored in various ways how our view of God is developed in the first place. In the spiritual realm, little is more important than our view of God, what we believe is his view of us, and how we think the two of us should relate.

My early opinion, and a popular one, is that our view of God grows out of our view of our fathers, if we have one at home, and if not, from our view of other male authority figures in our lives. There is unquestionably validity to this theory. I remember counseling a brother who grew up with a very domineering, harsh father. His view of God was obviously faulty based on clear evidence in his life. I once asked him to take a week and come back with a very specific description of how he viewed God. He basically described God as what we call the “Clockmaker God.” In other words, God did create the world (wound it up to start it ticking) but has nothing to do with us besides watch what we do. He is uninvolved in our lives physically and emotionally. He watches us and will one day judge us on the basis of what he has observed in us. After this “god” was described, I asked him who it sounded like, and without hesitation, he said, “my dad.”

This idea of how we develop our view of God obviously has merit and for years, I thought my view of God came through this manner. My dad was very harsh in my young, most formative years. Thankfully, when I got married at age 22, it was like Daddy took off his parent’s hat and put on his friend’s hat. In the decades following until his death, we were really good friends. Evidently, it was in the Ferguson family culture that a father was responsible for his children until they were adults but not afterwards. This view would understandably have relieved a lot of Dad’s stress of feeling responsible for me prior to my marriage. But what happens to children in their most formative early years does continue to affect us. Logically, my father could have been the one who strongly influenced me to see God as harsh.

However, ongoing talks with my younger sister helped me to figure out that this wasn’t the case—a surprise to me. Pam and I are 10 ½ years different in age but think a lot the same. We definitely have a shared view of our immediate family and extended family as well. She is much nicer and gentler than I am, but we are in most ways on the same wavelength in our views. My frequent talks with her have been so helpful to me in many ways. She is a very wise and spiritual woman, the wife of a preacher. We laugh at how we grew up in a dysfunction family, including our extended family, yet I ended up a preacher and she ended up married to one. God has his ways, often mysterious ways, as the old hymn words it.

Through our talks, I eventually figured out where my view of God originated, and it wasn’t our dad. There are two parts to the answer. The first came to me when I pictured myself as a small child in the little church we attended. My dad came to church with Mother and me most of the time, but it was obvious to me even as a very young child that he was not into it. He attended to please my mother. Thus, I didn’t connect him to my concept of God. I remember (still) a man in that church who was a bit rotund and very kind, and when thinking of God, I pictured his face. Although that memory was embedded in my mind rather clearly, it was also embedded deeply enough to take some time and real concentration to dig it out. But if my earliest view of God grew out of my view of that particular kind man, how did I end up with a harsh view of God? That’s a really good question and it took me even more time to sort out the answer to that one.

The little church of which we were a part was an odd one, and legalistic to the core. My grandmother and mother bore strong witness to the truth of this statement. My grandmother dwindled down to near nothing physically before dying just short of her 89^th birthday. I believe she clung to life out of fear of meeting God, given her view of him. My mother reflected the same fears. Her view of death was never like the hymn, “Safe in the Arms of Jesus.” It much more resembled the view suggested by another hymn, “There’s An All-Seeing Eye Watching You.” Yes, that is a real song. Look it up on YouTube. The lyrics leave no doubt that this all-seeing eye (God) is watching you to see if you step out of line, not watching over you to protect you or love you. That was my mother’s view of God, and it pervaded her religious views across the board. Plus, it transferred to me, regrettably. While I will forever be indebted to my mother for instilling in me the utmost respect for God and an unshakable trust in the Bible as the inspired word of God, my view of God himself has been a burden not easily changed.

To give you a practical example of what this kind of viewpoint produces, let me tell you about a conversation my mother had with me about sexual morality when I was in the 8^th grade. I remember the year because of how I applied the content. In our church, sexual immorality, including sex before marriage, was pretty much viewed as the “unpardonable sin.” On that occasion, Mother basically explained it in much that way. If you had sex before marriage, you were destined for hell – no if’s and no but’s. I at once thought of my friend Ronnie. He had recently told me about having sex for the first time, and I do recall that we were in the 8^th grade. I remember thinking to myself as mother continued her lecture, “Well, that’s it for Ronnie. No matter what else happens the rest of his life, he is doomed to hell.” As you can surmise, the doctrines of forgiveness and grace received little emphasis in our group.

Then to add to my problem while still fairly young, I attended what was called a “Preacher’s School” when in my upper 20’s to prepare for ministry. I loved what I learned in that school in so many ways, but we too were bent in a fairly legalistic direction. The curriculum was impressive, especially in its focus on the biblical text. We went through the entire Bible in a verse-by-verse fashion. I learned a ton of Bible in the process and loved every minute of it. However, since we dug into the entire text of the Old Testament, given my predisposition to see God as harsh, certain accounts in the OT added evidence that my view must be correct. We also studied the texts emphasizing grace, but my background blocked me from fully appreciating these types of passages. The harsh stuff stood out, and there’s plenty of it in there to stand out.

I developed a sermon early on with the different ways men sin against God, using material from the OT. Here are some of the OT figures mentioned in my lesson: Cain, Nadab and Abihu, King Saul, Uzzah and others. Perhaps you are familiar with the account of Korah, Dathan and Abiram where their sin led to God opening up the ground to swallow them and their entire families. No doubt the OT has some scary stuff in it, and whatever one’s view of God is, these accounts have to be considered and explained in a way that harmonizes with our view of the nature of God. Honestly, that is no easy task for anyone, and it proved quite formidable for me.

Eternity’s Brink—Episode 1—What Happened?

Five Bad Days—Then the Hospital

When I received my official diagnosis of cancer on January 5, 2022, I was surprisingly not disturbed emotionally. For one thing, a preliminary diagnosis had been suggested earlier, but remained a bit uncertain for several months. Thus, it wasn’t a new topic nor a surprising one. For another thing, I recalled hearing a lecture many decades ago about how stress affects the body and accepted the speaker’s conclusions as valid. He said that stress seeks out the weakest place in the body and manifests itself there. Given that since I was 18 years old (during a period of high stress), I had experienced issues with the part of the body where cancer eventually did manifest itself, I pretty much expected to eventually develop cancer there. In fact, I told my surgeon and oncologist that the surprise wasn’t finding out I had cancer; the surprise was that it had taken so long to develop, especially given that I am a type A (triple A actually) personality – a high stress guy. Having lived a very adventure-filled life, some of the stresses were good ones, but many were anxiety based.

After a series of interesting events about which I have written previously (“A Roller Coaster Ride With God” in two parts–on this website), I began treatment for the cancer on March 28. For three weeks, five days a week, I had a radiation treatment and took six large chemo pills daily. In spite of all of the warnings about side effects, I had none (almost). The one exception occurred during a three mile walk near the end of the three-week period, when the ball of my right foot started hurting badly. I was at the halfway point and had to limp home very slowly, then discovering a very large blister. One of the listed potential side effects of the chemo was developing sensitivity and redness on the bottom of the feet and on the palms of the hands. But other than that, I had no side effects for those initial three weeks and congratulated myself on breezing through the treatments. Pride goes before a fall.

The Sunday following those three weeks was Easter Sunday. After enjoying a meal with our son and his family, disaster struck. I have also written in some detail about this ordeal previously, so I will not include those details. Suffice it to say it was bad and unlike any sickness I have ever experienced in my entire life. I’m one of those people who just doesn’t get sick, except very rarely. My immune system is amazingly strong. I’ve traveled all over the world during different kinds of flu outbreaks and never caught any of it, nor have I ever taken flu shots (until this year). But from the evening of Easter Sunday until the next morning, my well-conditioned body was drained of body fluids and strength almost completely. My conditioning came from taking three to five mile fast paced walks at least five days per week. But on that Monday morning after my “adventure” began the previous day, I had to be helped out of the car into a wheelchair to take my last radiation treatment for some weeks.

The next five days were a blur. I slept most of the time. I was severely dehydrated, and an IV administered at a medical facility on Tuesday had no positive effect. The diarrhea was relentless. On Friday, I was back at the same medical facility and was asked a question by a Nurse Practitioner which brought me to my senses. She asked me if I thought I would be okay if I went home. She and the chemo doctor did not. It suddenly hit me that if I did go home, I would likely die. So, my wife and son and I went to the ER and I checked into the hospital for what was to become a 23 day stay.

I don’t quite know how to describe what happened emotionally and spiritually during that time. I can better describe my emotional and spiritual state than I can what prompted it. I ended up in something like a state of near euphoria during the last part of my stay. Sometime in that period, I talked on the phone to my dear old friend, Tom Jones. A few weeks later he asked if I had ever considered that I might be bipolar, based on what seemed to him like a manic state on my part. I laughed and reminded him that my tendency was typically to be depressive, not manic. The euphoric state was temporary, but it was quite interesting while it lasted. I will describe later what were likely contributing factors to it.

For the first ten of those days in the hospital, I tried eating once and promptly threw it back up—with gusto! I was diagnosed with an ileus, which means my insides were locked up and not functioning normally. The doctors were reluctant to insert a PICC and start giving me nourishment via that kind of IV (TPN). I had a low-grade fever, and they were concerned about an undetected infection. So, we waited and tested and waited and tested—for ten days. For most of that time, I was pretty much out of it. I was receiving fluids for hydration through an IV but remember being fixated on the idea of drinking a big Coke and a big strawberry drink from a big glass filled with ice.

I was obviously extremely thirsty. I remember thinking that if I could stay focused on quenching my thirst with those drinks that it might provide enough motivation to stay alive. Seriously. Also obviously, the thoughts of death were constantly present. I was later told that I had said at one time that I would have to get better to die. It was a very rough ten days. Joy (our daughter, the wife of our son, Bryan) took pictures of me at three different stages, and the latter two I eventually posted on Facebook. The first one was taken during that ten-day period and in it, I looked like I was dead. I didn’t post that one. The first time my son came into my room and saw me in that state, he thought I must have just died. So that’s what happened that led me to sitting with God on the brink of eternity.